


For Those of Us Who Pray

by av_versiera



Category: K-pop, Super Junior
Genre: Drama, M/M, Mild Smut, Religion, Religious Conflict, Religious Imagery & Symbolism, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-29
Updated: 2019-05-29
Packaged: 2020-03-26 17:34:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 21,027
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19010542
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/av_versiera/pseuds/av_versiera
Summary: A death, a wedding, and two lovers with different beliefs. There are those who love truly without conditions, and there are those who love for the wrong reasons.





	1. A Choir With No Singers

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted in AFF: https://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/1392515

A sea of grim and sleepy faces. White hair or black hair, jewelry such as pearls on necks, shoulders adorned with fur coats or expensive wool coats. Rows of pews with red cushion and books of hymns and Bibles. The colorful glass windows closed in around these people, and outside, the rain patters against it, and the people opened their mouths to sing or to yawn. Children squirmed under their parents’ strict and silent provision, restless as the choir stood up to sing a worship song. In their white robes and enunciated words, they almost look like one body, so uniform, so pristine.

 

The altar had several candles that are alight with small, dancing flames. It wavers, but it doesn’t die out. The giant cross behind the choir stands out proudly and higher above everyone’s heads. It gazes at its witnesses, glaring, guarding.

 

Donghae sits between his sturdy parents, unmoving, his eyes carefully trained towards the altar in deference. He closes his eyes and he folds his hands when the time comes, then he sings with his heart when required. He sits down to listen to the sermon, flips to the right page in the Bible because he was a good student and a good follower, he’s gotten it all down, from Genesis to Revelation, from the beginning to the end.

 

Every Sunday, it’s like this.

 

~

 

Donghae becomes old enough to join the choir, and his parents sit in front, unbearing with their vigilant but reserved support. They would be quick to criticize if he did not do his best. He has the best view, and he watches hundreds of people in worship. However, he feels that some of them are a little unfeeling. If you love the Lord, shouldn’t your face and your body show it? Why is everyone so still when the song is so upbeat and happy? Where are their enthusiasm and their leaps of joy that they have their faith? That they are so lucky to have known they have a Savior?

 

He sings in the choir, and as always, he gives it all he’s got. He dedicates it to God, yet he feels as if there’s a wall in front of him, blocking him from God’s ears.

 

He listens intently as always to the sermon, making himself still even though the pastor is rapidly spitting fire, his voice like needles, pinpointing every flaw and calling everybody out. Donghae feels exposed, as if his blood was examined and someone had harshly labeled him wrong.

 

They stand up again for another hymn, and he pushes away his shame. He tries to peg where it came from, or was he always born like this, so dirty yet forgivable enough, pliable enough to be clean.

 

Donghae lets his voice blend in among the other voices, when suddenly, one of the double-wide doors of the church opens. A lanky boy walks in, his face pale and delicate, but complemented with a sharp jawline. His wide, doe eyes were so dark and it took in any light that shone his way but they were so innocent, so open that it almost broke Donghae’s heart. They were the kind of eyes that got hurt easily, that shows the turmoil in their soul even when their face is blank.

 

As he walks closer to the altar, Donghae notices his graceful walk, the way his body sways as if he’s in his own world with its own rhythm.

 

Donghae stops singing at that moment, trying to tune in to his music. Under the light that blurs into purple, gold and red, his white Sunday attire makes him look like an angel. His brownish locks fall over his forehead gently, making his eyes look rounder. His lips juts out temptingly, occasionally locked between his teeth.

 

He tracks his movements, the hymn he was just singing long forgotten.

 

The boy looks up and for a moment, their gazes meet.

 

Donghae finds his voice and the right lyric, but this time, for the first time, he wasn’t singing for an invisible deity.

 

~

 

On Wednesday nights, he has choir practice, Bible study and youth fellowships. For a second, Donghae wonders if he imagined that angel that came to him on Sunday because he never saw him right after church where his family and the Choi family decided to have lunch together. However, when he entered the room for Bible study, he sees him, and Donghae feels all his words slip out of his mouth.

 

This time, he’s dressed in a red plaid button up and leather skinny jeans that makes Donghae gape because they were so tiny, they looked like two twigs that stood up, with a little deviation by the knees, a tiny hump that indicates his bones.

 

He is introduced to the group, and he smiles brightly, so kindly, and he faces Donghae as he informs everyone his name.

 

“Lee Hyukjae,” he says. “I’m new to town. I’m fifteen years old, going sixteen.”

 

Donghae gives him a kind smile and his name, but doesn’t offer anything else.

 

~

 

Sundays, Donghae no longer looks straight ahead. His eyes travel to only rest on Hyukjae. He sits with an older man with sharp features, but he doesn’t look like his father, though he can be easily mistaken. Hyukjae amicably greets everyone after the service, and Donghae badly wants to approach him. They haven’t interacted directly, and Donghae is itching to start a conversation. He’s tired of watching him all the time, hoping for a glance his way.

 

Sermons went through one ear and out the other.

 

He slowly makes his way over, smiling, bowing and hugging people as he makes his way over.

 

When he finally got to where Hyukjae was supposed to be, he is gone and Donghae’s heart is racing as if he’d been running all over the place. He grips his black binder that contained his choral music, a little frustrated with himself. Why does it matter to him anyway? He can't just sell himself out like this. He's been so careful.

 

Friend. I just want to be friends with him, Donghae’s inner self supplies. I’m his hyung too...I should look out for him. He looks too gullible.

 

~

 

Donghae grows curious, week by week.

 

Hyukjae dresses loudly, but he doesn’t talk obnoxiously. His eyes wander around during youth, or he spaces out, making Donghae wonder what he’s thinking about. If he’s not concentrated or listening intently like Siwon, who seem to take in every word as if it’s law, then Donghae is sure that his mind is somewhere else.

 

At times like that, their eyes would meet and Hyukjae would look away shyly.

 

That makes Donghae want to make his way across their group’s tiny circle...and then what?

 

~

 

Some of the youth teachers talks about Hyukjae, and Donghae pretends that he’s not listening by reading a random scripture from Proverbs. He flips through the pages, pacing himself so it’s not obvious that few words are only sticking to his mind.

 

“I heard his parents sent him here because he’s you know, gay,” one of the youth teachers whispers.

 

Donghae swallows.

 

“Praying the gay away, huh?” The other replies. “As if that’s possible.”

“Well, you know how traditional people can be.”

“Sucks for him. Sending him here might be good for him, everyone’s straight as a rod in this church. Maybe he’ll get influenced enough.”

 

Donghae wants to laugh out loud. Anyone can be so two-faced, so kind and smiling upfront, but their mouths produce the most judgmental words.

 

If this church is meant to correct Hyukjae’s problem, then he may have come to the wrong place.


	2. Lay On Me

“Um, Donghae hyung,” a soft voice calls him out of reverie.

Donghae looks up, a little startled to find Hyukjae’s face in front of him. He’s more...beautiful up close. “Yes?” He smiles, though he hopes that it’s not too overexcited.  
“May I sit next to you?”

 

Donghae glances around. The library is quiet and almost empty, save for the librarian arranging books in the opposite side of where they are. With Hyukjae here, it makes the room look less lonely.

Donghae pulls out a chair and motions for Hyukjae to sit.

Hyukjae starts to eat his lunch, and Donghae notices his pink ears.

 

“There’s plenty of places to go to in this school,” Donghae starts, unsure where his words would take him. Hopefully, he doesn’t sound too rude. He’s been trying to approach Hyukjae. “Why the library?”

Hyukjae pauses, and he swallows the food in his mouth. His throat bobs up and down, and Donghae stares at it, mesmerized.

 

“I’ve been hanging out here ever since I transferred,” Hyukjae almost whispers. He looks around as if someone may overhear him. “Second floor, by the alcove.”  
Donghae nods, knowing what he meant. “Okay.”

They eat together silently, then-

“You can sit with me every day if you want to,” Donghae blurts out. He suddenly feels awkward because...he’s a senior now and it sounded borderline creepy? It shouldn't mean anything, right? He’s trying to be a good hyung.

 

Hyukjae smiles at him warmly, and Donghae forgets his thoughts. He just wants to talk with Hyukjae, and know what’s in his mind, and how he’s doing in his classes, and what he does when he has free time.

 

~

 

Donghae learns that Hyukjae is actually very playful, and he has a vulgar mouth. Donghae is not sure whether he’s surprised or whether it just adds to his cute impression of Hyukjae. He wishes that he’s half as blunt as Hyukjae, but he was brought up to watch his words carefully. He couldn’t for the world say the word fuck or hell, because he just feels like he’s breaking a rule and his parents might come scolding him any moment.

“Just say it,” Hyukjae eggs on sweetly.

 

Donghae shakes his head, but he’s more amused than unwilling.

Hyukjae puts his slender hand on Donghae’s knee. “Say it.”

Donghae pressed his lips together, feeling a hundred sparks going off in his stomach as Hyukjae squeezes his knee.

Hyukjae sighs, letting it go. “Live a little, hyung.” He also lets go of Donghae’s knee.

 

~

 

On another Sunday, the pastor is hollering on his podium about homosexuality, and he bellows that they are sinners beyond saving. Donghae keeps his face blank, but he takes note of the changes on Hyukjae’s face. He listens to the pastor a bit, but then he immediately looks away, as if he’s afraid that everyone’s attention will shift to him.

The pastor lectures fervently, and Donghae sees Hyukjae standing up and escaping to one of the side doors.

 

Donghae takes a deep breath, counting a minute or two so it doesn’t seem like he is following Hyukjae. As nonchalantly as possible, Donghae excuses himself, exiting to one of the side doors in a guise of going to the restroom.

 

He hurries his steps, and he finally spots his now auburn hair, darting from one hallway to another. Donghae jogs lightly to catch up, and then he reaches out his hand to grasp the boy on his shoulder. He turns him around, and Donghae sees tears leaking out from Hyukjae’s eyes.

“Is it true?” Donghae asks, but he couldn't care less. He knew some time ago who he is, but he never really get to disclose it with anyone. He just figured that he’ll skip this city and go somewhere no one knows him and start new. No one has to know, but it doesn’t mean it will not hurt.

 

Hyukjae sniffs and he hastily wipes his eyes. “What?”

Donghae nods, understanding. Then, he pulls Hyukjae to him.

He feels the younger melt into him, and slowly, his thin arms start to wrap around his torso. Donghae smooths his hair, and he rocks the two of them gently. Somehow, he feels that a prayer has been answered, a prayer he never really got to say. He promises Hyukjae at this tearful moment that he will never be alone.

 

“How can you live like this?” Hyukjae murmurs in his neck.  
“You’ve got to pretend,” Donghae replies sadly. His palm comes to rest on the back of Hyukjae’s neck.

“I was thirteen,” Hyukjae starts. “When I realized that…” He trails off.  
“Me too,” Donghae whispers. “I thought about it, I have denied it, but it’s me, you know?”

“Yes,” Hyukjae gets quieter and quieter.

 

Suddenly, they hear lewd moans in a nearby room. They break apart, trying to pinpoint where the noise came from, and their eyes held each other for a second, a joke debuting between the two of them. They tread carefully, quietly. Donghae holds on to Hyukjae’s hand, a small comfort, his angel, a blessing sent to his life.

Hyukjae steps ahead, and he gestures at the prayer room. It’s never locked, so he gently turns the knob of the door. Donghae squeezes Hyukjae’s hand, nervous but at the same time, he feels exhilarated. Every single second with Hyukjae never seems so dull.

 

Hyukjae opens enough space for the two of them to peek into.

They see the head pastor and someone’s wife fucking against the wall.

Hyukjae’s jaw drops to the ground, and Donghae covers his own mouth to hold back a snicker.

Disgusting, they both agreed.

Hyukjae slowly closes the door, and the two of them ran out of that desecrated hallway.

 

~

 

At their religious private school, some boys who are eager to prove their masculinity seem to have found their target in Hyukjae. He was a scrawny sophomore, with soft features that can almost make him look like a girl in some angles. Hyukjae ignores them, and it makes Donghae wonder why he doesn’t bite back to show them that he’s someone they shouldn’t mess with.

Hyukjae shrugs. “I have nothing to prove to them.”

 

Donghae walks by Hyukjae’s side, and he’s close enough that he can feel his fingers tingling at the proximity of Hyukjae’s hands.

Later, when Hyukjae is in his classes, Donghae gets interrogated by his rugby team members.

 

“Dude, you do know, he’s gay,” Youngwoon stage whispers.

Donghae takes a deep breath to keep his calm. “Who am I to judge?”

 

Someone claps him on his back. “Donghae’s a model child, Youngwoon. He gives to charity and all that.”  
“You pity that kid?” Another asks. “If you’re trying to be nice, at least don’t let him infect you with that homo stuff.”

 

Donghae licks his dry lips, a little miffed.

They pat his back, and they walk away to get to their classes. Donghae takes a deep breath then he turns the other way. He hopes that Hyukjae doesn’t know about the people’s rude words about him, but he’s smart, he’ll figure it out sooner or later.

 

~

 

Hyukjae starts to distance himself, and Donghae does not know how to approach him. The bullying gets worse, and Donghae badly wants to whisk him away where he didn’t have to hear their verbal insults.

One day, a group of try-hard boys corners Hyukjae and Donghae happens to be passing by to get to one of his electives. He watches Hyukjae press his back against the lockers, scanning the enclosing group of boys’ faces.

 

“No one wants you here, you faggot,” one of them says. “But I guess your parents didn’t even want you too since they sent you here of all places.”

Hyukjae briefly looks up, and he sees Donghae. He shakes his head slightly, warning Donghae.

 

“You keep your gay to yourself, we don’t want it,” another says. He takes Hyukjae’s collar, and he presses him against the wall.

Suddenly, his thin frame is being dragged towards the nearest restroom. Donghae follows frantically, trying to decide whether to call a teacher or just take everyone on. There’s four boys, and he’s pretty strong. He can fight them.

 

He can hear them laughing, and he peeks inside just as Hyukjae is thrown into a stall.

Donghae decides to walk at this moment, and the group of boys-judging from their ID tags, they are juniors-glance at him as if he’s not going to do anything.

 

He finds Hyukjae on the floor, with someone grabbing his hair.

 

“Don’t touch him,” Donghae blurts out ahead of himself. He didn’t even think how he’s going to get Hyukjae out of here.

 

One of the junior boys smirks. “Or what? Sunbae?”

 

“Do you want to find out?” Donghae snaps in his best steel voice.

He crosses his arms and spreads his legs, assuming an intimidating stance. The five of them had a staring contest, but at last, they decided to leave, muttering against themselves.

 

Donghae waits for them to exit, then he immediately goes to his knees to reach for Hyukjae.

“Don’t interfere,” Hyukjae says in a small voice. “You’ll only get in trouble.”  
Donghae chuckles lightly. “Now who’s protecting who?”

“I’m serious,” Hyukjae pushes the older away.  
Donghae does not waste a second to grab onto Hyukjae again. “I am too.”

 

The two of them stared at each other, and Donghae reaches up to brush his thumb against the birthmark on Hyukjae’s face.

“You’re about to graduate next year,” Hyukjae said. He looks down at his hands. “When you’re gone, who’s going to protect me? I can’t depend on you.”

 

Donghae smiles bitterly at this. “You’ll still have me.” He takes one of Hyukjae’s hands, and he presses a finger against his. “You’ll have me this month, next month, all the way to August.” Donghae moves his finger on Hyukjae’s smooth ones, counting the months they will spend together. "Before I go to college."

Hyukjae takes his hand away. “I’m fifteen, not stupid.”

 

“Dream a little, Hyukjae.” Donghae says, and he snatches the younger’s hand and squeezes it. “If you let me, I will take care of you. We can get away from this town if you want to. I'll be the one to help you."

 

Hyukjae studies Donghae, as if this is his first time truly seeing him. He narrows his eyes as if he can dissect Donghae’s intentions and examine each one with caution. “You talk too much.”

Donghae shrugs. “Maybe, but I am serious.”  
“You pity me, right?”

“No, Hyukjae,” Donghae says and somehow he has a feeling that Hyukjae knows that he’s telling the truth. “I’m just living.”

 

And somehow, without me knowing, I’ve begun to live for you too.

“Then I’ll dream too,” Hyukjae replies. Happiness spreads on his features, and Donghae is breathless.


	3. The Fun in Funeral

Hyukjae can never look at the head pastor the same. He finds it hard to take him seriously when he’s lecturing on the podium about marriage and relationships. He stops in coughing fits, and somewhere in the choir, he finds contact with Donghae’s eyes in amusement. In the duration of the service, they have silent conversations across the church.

 

For the first time, Hyukjae enthusiastically sings along, but only because Donghae is looking at him. His handler-Jungsoo, occasionally glances at him, probably noticing the change in his demeanor.

 

After the service, he’s immediately led away into a black car, and Hyukjae wonders how he can exchange a jibe or two with a certain choir boy without Jungsoo suspecting anything-but it's not like he can keep a secret from the elder. He's the only person he had counted on ever since he was little.

 

However.

He’s here for some healing, though he’s not really sure what he needs to heal from.

 

He spots Donghae among his family, and couldn’t help the warm feeling spreading from his chest to his cheeks. He’s been nothing but kind to him, and it’s been a while since he felt like an actual human being. He hated being shoved around and ignored. His parents didn’t even want him anymore because he puts shame to the family name.

 

Hyukjae sighs. Might as well do his best and have a blast in this healing thing.

 

~

 

Hyukjae waits for two hours, the time that it takes for Jungsoo to be fully asleep. Then he sneaks out of his window, and he runs to the waiting car with Donghae in it. He flashes the older with a daring smile, and Donghae returns it with a nervous gaze.

 

“So...what now?” Donghae asks.

Hyukjae shrugs. “Living, remember?”

 

Donghae checks the time. “We have three hours.”

 

Hyukjae turns on the radio, and a slow song starts to play. “Know a place where we can hang out without attracting an angry crowd ready to crucify us?”

 

Donghae starts to drive, trying to think. Hyukjae hums with the song, though there was some places he was out of tune. Donghae tries to remember how he sounds like, so he can save it for later and listen to it when he’s alone with his thoughts.

 

Donghae makes up his mind, and he parks in an empty parking lot in front of a skating rink. He makes sure to keep in the shadows.

 

“They don’t lock the back door,” Donghae explains.

Hyukjae nods.

 

They run towards the rink, and Donghae leads Hyukjae to the backdoor. He pulls the lever down, and they are hit with a chilly air. Hyukjae shivers, and Donghae hands him his jacket.

 

“How do you know this place?”

“I used to have an interest with hockey, so I tried it,” Donghae says. “But then, I got hit with one of those sticks.”

 

Hyukjae glances at him, his eyes twinkling and he starts to laugh. He looks away and tucks his chin on his shoulder slightly. “That’s so like you.”

 

Donghae holds out his hand, and Hyukjae stares at it.

 

“Take my hand?” Donghae suddenly feels warm, despite the cold air.

 

Slowly, Hyukjae puts his hand into his, and Donghae envelopes it with wonder. He tugs him forward and he leads him to where the ice is.

 

“Watch your step, it’s slippery,” Donghae warns. He feels Hyukjae’s hold on his hand tighten and he chuckles to himself, liking the feel of it.

 

Hyukjae takes the lead on ice, pulling Donghae to him and the older following him willingly. It was dark, yet the world had never been so bright. Hyukjae smiles at the place, feeling like a huge weight has been lifted off his shoulders. All this time, he’s been scrutinized closely, and now that there’s only Donghae and no one else, he feels so free.

 

Hyukjae stumbles and he almost slips, making him let go of Donghae’s hand. He lets out a short shriek, but he immediately feels Donghae’s arm wrapping around his waist, steadying him. Hyukjae stiffens in surprise, but he relaxes when Donghae did not indicate any intention to let go.

 

“So, why me?” Hyukjae says. His voice echo loudly, but for now, he doesn’t care. 

 

He senses Donghae think carefully, the cogs in his brain turning and turning, searching for the proper words like the good gentleman he is. Hyukjae wonders what Donghae is truly like unhinged, without anymore reservations that were enforced on him. Maybe being held like this by him is progress.

 

“You don’t really know me, Donghae,” Hyukjae continues, dropping every honorific words and formalities.

“I know you like the color blue,” Donghae supplies, his tone serious for something so trivial. “I know how your eyes crinkle when you truly find something funny, how you smile at the tiniest things, and how easy it is to make you laugh when I tell you cheesy jokes.”

 

Hyukjae swallows, his mind racing to get a few words out. It doesn’t come out the way he wants to, though. “Is it because I’m the only other guy to like guys right? Because I’m just that easy.” Hyukjae wants to separate with his subconsciousness and have it slap him on the face. How could he say that to sweet, faithful Donghae?

 

Donghae stays silent, and Hyukjae wants him to say something, to not confirm those suspicions that had been bothering him ever since Donghae took an interest with him.

 

“Don’t discredit yourself,” Donghae finally says, sadness tinged in his voice. “If you didn’t even like guys, I’d still like you and I’d still want to get to know you.”

Hyukjae presses his lips together, then he says, “I’m sorry. I’m just not...used to this? My ex literally treated me like shit. He just wanted to get into my pants.”

 

“Do you think I’m trying to get into your pants?” Donghae slowly lets go of Hyukjae’s waist.

 

Hyukjae thinks for a moment, recalling Donghae’s innocent advances. When Donghae does touch him, they were tiny, considerate gestures.

 

“No,” Hyukjae concludes.

 

~

 

About four weeks later, as two teenagers hopped on two fiery sides of flirting and friendship, the head pastor had died of a heart attack.

 

The service was filled with people in black, and when it was time to lower him six feet belowground, his wife started wailing uncontrollably. It had also started raining, and Hyukjae watches as water gathered on uneven surfaces of the ground. It drops as circles on the black, shiny coffin, bouncing up and then rolling down to its sides. 

 

Everybody’s heads are down, except Hyukjae and Donghae’s. They listen to the wife cry, and watch as thick tears rolled down her face comically. Hyukjae swallows and he tries to keep his face blank as much as possible.

 

From across the hole of the ground, Donghae’s gaze find Hyukjae’s in good humor. His eyes are alight, and they had a telepathic moment, where that scene from the prayer room is playing like a movie montage in their minds.

 

Somebody starts to sing Amazing Grace in a sad, tenor voice. The church people joins in, but no one can compete with the wife’s crying. She wails and wails. Somebody sneezes, someone coughs. A person near Donghae blows their nose. 

 

It’s sad, really. Especially when she threw herself on the coffin, protesting and shouting. He will be missed, probably. 

 

That was the last straw for the two boys who witnessed that the holy man wasn’t as holy as these people thought. The only hope for him is his repentance before his death, but it's doubtful he ever had the time. 

 

Hyukjae ducks his head, and he slowly tries to back away from the crowd. It took all of his willpower to not burst out laughing among these teary eyed people. He walks away from the graveyard site and heads to one of the farthest mausoleum, where it’s guaranteed that the rain can cover up the building laughter inside his body. He steps inside through the marble columns, away from the rain.

 

A few minutes later, Donghae turns up, and they look at each other in the eyes in amusement.

 

There’s nothing hilarious about funerals, but the two of them burst out laughing.

 

Their bodies turn to each other automatically, clinging for each other for dear life as they try to pull some air into their lungs. No, they shouldn’t be laughing at all. That poor, coveting old pastor.

 

“Oh god,” Hyukjae exclaims. “Did you see her? What the actual fuck? I feel so sorry for her!”

 

Donghae wheezes, and they throw themselves into another fit of laughter.

 

“The woman he was screwing around wasn’t even in the service!” Donghae exclaims, and Hyukjae laughs again, the sound trilling and echoing inside the fancy tomb. They wheeze, and another round of laughing has started.

 

They finally sober up, and they take a deep breath in sync. Then they sigh at the same time.

 

Donghae steps around Hyukjae to face him. His eyes roamed Hyukjae’s angelic face that hides so many stories and adventures. He is tempting and forbidden, just like the apple that Adam and Eve had eaten. Why wasn’t he told that the apple was too enticing to be ignored? His own heart is starting to make a bigger room for this boy, who stares at him daringly, and it drives Donghae insane. What? What does he want him to do?

 

“Fuck it,” Donghae hisses and the word makes Hyukjae’s eyes widen.

 

Donghae clutches Hyukjae face with both of his hands with urgency, and he forgets all those rules and restrictions. He buries those words that condemn him with that old pastor, and finally, even though that they are in hiding and that no one can know, Donghae can breathe.

 

This is living.

 

Donghae presses his lips against Hyukjae’s plump lips, tasting it. He lets go of himself, but he lets Hyukjae grab him when the younger responds, melting into him so sweetly, so innocently that Donghae could break down crying. How could such a tiny fruit bring about a whole string of cursed people? Who was the devil in this forbidden meeting?

 

The kiss doesn’t last long, but for Donghae it felt like a thousand hours.

 

Hyukjae stares at him in surprise, but his eyes darken in excitement. He grabs Donghae’s collar with both hands and he pulls him forward, and mashes his lips against Donghae’s thin ones. He could feel Donghae slowly backing him up against the wall, until they are chest to chest, breath to breath.

 

Maybe Hyukjae can allow himself to dream, if this is what it feels like.

 

“You finally said fuck,” Hyukjae whispers into his lips. "It sounds so hot, coming from your mouth." He pants a little, and he meets Donghae's burning gaze. It's hard to breathe under those eyes, and it wasn't even just the kiss. It was just him. 

 

Donghae indulges in one more kiss. “We need to go before they start to wonder where we are.”

 

Hyukjae nods. “You go first.”

 

A/N: Really excited on sharing this!!!! AHHHH Kind of a double update??? Enjoy ^^


	4. You're My Religion

In winter, they hide in Hyukjae’s alcove during lunch at school.

 

Donghae learns that Hyukjae can be a little selfish, and does things without thinking much of the consequences. Whereas, he has to think of all the possibilities where something can go wrong. When Hyukjae is on his lap straddling him like this, with his arms wrapped around his neck lazily, Donghae’s reckless side comes out. Hyukjae thinks that it’s always been there, he just needs a little push.

 

Hyukjae rolls his hips, making Donghae growl inside his throat.

 

Hyukjae giggles and leans forward to capture Donghae’s mouth. “Someone might hear us.”

“You don’t really care,” Donghae murmurs into Hyukjae’s mouth.

“No,” Hyukjae agrees. The warning bell rings, signaling the students to start making their way to their next class. Hyukjae steals one more kiss, and another.

 

“We have to get to class,” Donghae protests, but he’s not doing any better. He clutches Hyukjae’s hips to him.

“Let go of me,” Hyukjae commands coyly, which says another meaning: Don’t.

 

Donghae shrugs off Hyukjae from his lap, earning a playful glare from the latter. Donghae slings his bag around his shoulders, and he hands Hyukjae his bag as well. He didn’t want to go to class if it meant getting to make out with Hyukjae.

 

“You’re getting better,” Hyukjae comments, pleased. He touches his swollen lips in wonder. “Maybe by the end of this week you’ll get to see a lot more skin.”

 

With that, he leaves a stunned Donghae behind.

 

Donghae walks to class in deep thought. His heart swirls with all kinds of emotions, and it can all be traced back to Hyukjae. Somehow, Hyukjae had hijacked his life, inserting himself in it that Donghae couldn’t pay attention to anything else. He’s now the reason he sings his heart out, and instead of memorizing verses and learning how to live a faithful life, he’s more keen on tattooing Hyukjae into his mind.

 

He pauses in his steps. Is he really going to let Hyukjae take over his life? Would this mean that he’s leaving behind his beliefs that had been ingrained his daily life?

 

He looks ahead, and he sees a group of girls. No appeal comes to him. He’s been like this ever since he can differentiate between his feelings. He catches himself searching for Hyukjae’s face instead.

 

~

 

Hyukjae tells Donghae that he’s not religious like he is while his soft, milky neck is being explored by the latter. He’s on Donghae’s lap again, and his back is pressed against the piano keys of the church’s grand piano. The senior is suppose to be practicing a hymn arrangement that he is about to play for Sunday, but Hyukjae had managed to sneak away from Bible study and is now currently distracting Donghae from his task.

 

Not that the other minded, he knew.

 

The big cross watches them imposingly. Its shadow crawled over the carpeted floor, trying to reach Donghae and Hyukjae.

 

Hyukjae brings his fingers under Donghae’s jaw, and he lifts his face to him. “What is it?”

 

Donghae shrugs, but Hyukjae can see that something is bothering him. He likes that Donghae is so easy to read, but he also hates it because it makes it easy for him to easily taunt him. Sometimes, he couldn’t help being cruel, so he tests him on how far Donghae could go. Just like now. It didn’t really take much for him to give in, to press Hyukjae against the piano and ravage him with kisses.

 

“Nothing,” Donghae replies, clearly distracted as his lips caresses Hyukjae’s neck.

 

Hyukjae sighs, and he puts his hands on Donghae’s chest to stop him. “No, it’s not nothing.”

 

Donghae takes a moment to form his words. Hyukjae waits patiently, his thumb unconsciously rubbing circles against Donghae’s collarbone.

 

“It’s just...how can we get commanded to love, but still be forbidden to do it?” Donghae asks, the question itself confusing him even more. “Just how come?”

Hyukjae stares at Donghae, feeling his confusion and anguish. He doesn’t really have answers when Donghae gets this deep.

 

“How could we be so sick inside and still live with it?” Donghae continues. He brings a finger to a piano key, and hits it. The sound echoes so lonesomely in the church.

 

“We’re not perfect, Donghae,” Hyukjae finally said. “But that doesn’t mean we have to let that define us.” He looks into Donghae’s sad eyes. “You can feel guilty all you want, though.”

“Do I have to feel guilty about you?” Donghae murmurs.

 

Hyukjae chuckles. “You can...but it won’t do you any good. I’d still be here.” Hyukjae brings a hand down to where Donghae’s heart is.

 

Donghae puts holes through Hyukjae’s gaze, contemplating.

 

Hyukjae takes Donghae’s hands, and places them under his shirt and over his naked torso. He shivers a little from Donghae’s cold fingers, but he encourages Donghae to move his hands.

 

“It’s okay,” Hyukjae whispers. He gasps quietly when Donghae’s thumb brushes against his nipple.

 

Donghae's ears pique on the sound that Hyukjae made, and he pinches his nipples, tugging on them slightly. Hyukjae raises his shirt up, revealing the white expanse of skin there. Donghae licks his lips, and he brings his hot mouth against Hyukjae’s chest, his tongue flicking against his sensitive nubs experimentally. Hyukjae accidentally hits a few bass notes on the piano, producing angry, rumbling noises. He grinds against Donghae’s crotch, desperate to feel more of him.

 

“What now?” Donghae whispers, unsure on what direction he should take. He’s not really that experience in this area. His cheeks are heated, and he can feel his blood rushing south.

Hyukjae giggles, surprised at how innocent Donghae can be. It only feeds to his growing feelings for him though. “Maybe you should let me take care of that.” Hyukjae brushes his fingers against Donghae’s growing tent.

 

The latter widens his eyes and grasps Hyukjae’s wrist to take his hand away, albeit with the usual gentleness he reserves for him.

 

Hyukjae smirks. “What?”

 

Donghae presses his lips nervously and he shakes his head.

 

“Tell me what you want,” Hyukjae states. He blinks, waiting for Donghae’s answer.

Donghae swallows tangibly.

 

Hyukjae chuckles, and Donghae feels his dick twitch. He suddenly wants to wipe that smug look on Hyukjae’s face. He’s not being fair at the moment.

 

“Don’t stare at me like I knocked the ice cream cone off of your hand,” Hyukjae teases.

 

Donghae gathers himself. It’s Hyukjae.

 

He clutches Hyukjae’s face and he summons his greediness for him. He wants Hyukjae’s lips to be his solely. He suddenly stops when he realizes that he has been pushing Hyukjae’s back against the piano tiles, which had been playing and blending together to produce the most unharmonious noise.

 

~

 

Hyukjae sits on his bed, his legs folded underneath him. He has been staring at the space in front of him for a good minute, trying to sort his feelings out. It was no longer fun and games. Things with Donghae is starting to get serious, and although he wants nothing but to see where they could stand, there are too many deadlines hanging off of their heads. There are too many obstacles they have to worry about.

 

A year ago, he would never take this kind of leap. One intense heartbreak from someone who took his heart for granted was enough.

 

What have you done, Donghae, Hyukjae asks the Donghae in his mind. He smiles charmingly at Hyukjae, but he also looks at him like he’s torn between two choices.

 

Jungsoo knocks against his door, and it opens slowly.

 

Hyukjae looks up and he gives the older man a kind smile.

 

“Your mother called,” he informs him.

Hyukjae shrugs off the hurt that he’s harboring.

 

“She told me to tell you that she’s proud of you for keeping up with your grades,” Jungsoo continues. He looks at the teenager’s solemn face. “Nothing else.”

Hyukjae lets out a scoff.

 

He feels Jungsoo sit on his bed.

 

“Why are you looking so glum?” Jungsoo asks with his kind voice.

Hyukjae bites his lips.

 

Jungsoo reaches for Hyukjae’s bony shoulder. “You know your secrets are safe with me.”

 

Of course, he knows. Why else would he pick Jungsoo to accompany him to his parents’ idea of exile for him?

 

“I like someone,” Hyukjae blurts out. He just needs to let it out, like ripping a bandaid that is stuck to his skin stubbornly.

Jungsoo chuckles. “Who’s the lucky guy?”

 

Hyukjae takes a deep breath. “Donghae,” he murmurs.

Jungsoo laughs. “Well, I wish you two luck.” He takes a deep breath and he meets Hyukjae’s gaze seriously. “You can come to me anytime, for anything.”

 

Hyukjae smiles. “Thanks, hyung. You’re the reason why I’m still sane.”

 

~

 

“We might not have until August,” Hyukjae tells Donghae one night. “Or after August.”

 

Donghae stays silent on the other side of the line.

 

“Well, we might,” Hyukjae blabbers. “I don’t know when they’ll take me. They could leave me here forever, I don’t know.”

 

Donghae is still silent, and Hyukjae is growing desperate.

 

“Please say something?” Hyukjae begs.

 

“I meant what I said,” Donghae finally said. He sighs on the phone. “If you can wait, I’ll send for you.”

Hyukjae feels tears prickle his eyes. “What if I’m gone before you could get me?”

“I don’t know, Hyuk,” Donghae almost snaps. “We’ll figure it out.”

 

“Please don’t be mad.”

“I’m not mad.”

“Okay.”

 

“Hey.” Donghae tries to lighten his voice. “Tell me how you see yourself in the future. Let’s think of a dream together.”

 

Hyukjae knows that Donghae is trying to cheer him up, saying anything to push away his fears. It may be farfetch, but Hyukjae realizes that he wants this. He wants Donghae. It’s probably stupid of him to say this at such a young age, but he wants him.

 

So, Hyukjae tells Donghae what he wants, instead of a dream. Because a dream may never come true.

 

“I want that too,” Donghae whispers with conviction. “It’s not stupid, I promise.”

“What do we know?”

“Nothing, we know nothing.”

 

Hyukjae stares at his ceiling and he comes up with another conversation topic. “Your faith...it talks of heaven and eternal life. Don’t you want that? I know that me being in your life might cause some dilemma. You can have it easy, you can have a happily ever after.”

 

Donghae chuckles, and Hyukjae hears him turning around on his bed. “This is going to sound really cheesy.”

“Say it,” Hyukjae giggles.

 

“Okay, but don’t laugh or cringe.”

“I promise.”

“You know, I’m dying anyways. Every day, we’re heading to that grave.” Donghae pauses. “But in a way, I’m living because I’m a new person with you. Forever might not have you, but at this moment, right now, I do.”

 

Hyukjae feels something heavy in his throat. How can Donghae say this so certainly?

 

“Good night, Donghae,” Hyukjae breathes out. He doesn’t let Donghae say another word, and he hangs up.

 

On the other line, Donghae stares at his phone, where Hyukjae’s name blinks at him, telling him that the call has ended.

 

Was it stupid of him to say that to Hyukjae? Was it selfish of him to promise many years to someone who’s still trying to figure out the world?

 

Donghae calls him back.

 

“Yes?” Hyukjae says in his soft voice.

 

That voice alone makes Donghae melt.

 

“I’m young and stupid,” Donghae suddenly said. He doesn’t care if someone overhears. “And maybe, it’s mean for me to do this, but I want us to try. Let’s live and dream, and do all these things together.”

 

“Yes,” Hyukjae interrupts.

“Wh- really?”

“I...Yes,” Hyukjae reaffirms.

 

“Okay!” Donghae exclaims.

“Shhh!” Hyukjae snaps, but he laughs along with him. “Don’t be too loud!”

 

“I’m just really happy,” Donghae explains. “I will treat you right, Hyuk. Just you see. I’ll be the best boyfriend ever.”

“I don’t doubt it.” Hyukjae grins. He feels so grateful to Donghae.

 

The two of them hang up, content and with a newfound joy at the prospect of spending precious seconds together.

 

Donghae feels lifted up. His feelings for Hyukjae came from himself, not from the people around him. He desires him with his own will.

 

He sighs. Those words will be said in another time.


	5. That's How I Pray

Hyukjae runs down the stairs and rushes towards the door in excitement. He throws the door open, a wide smile pasted on his face. Donghae stands on the front porch, his backpack slung lazily on one shoulder, and his hair unruly. Hyukjae blinks, a little startled. Donghae is too handsome.

 

Donghae offers him a small, hesitate smile and he runs a hand through his hair, checking himself.

 

Hyukjae steps aside to let Donghae in.

 

“So this is your home,” Donghae comments, scanning the bare house. There were barely any furniture save for the couch, coffee table and television. It shows that Hyukjae has no intention of staying in this house for a long time.

 

“Sorry, there’s not much,” Hyukjae says.

Donghae points his head upstairs. “I want to see your room.”

“Um,” Hyukjae hesitates. “There’s nothing to see.”

 

Donghae shrugs. “I’d see you.”

 

Hyukjae’s face fall a little as Donghae makes his way upstairs. He takes a deep breath and wonders if it’s too late for him to back out. He slowly follows Donghae up the stairs, where he finds him sitting on his bed with a grin on his face, as if Christmas had come early.

 

“We can totally decorate your room,” Donghae suggests. He gets up excitedly and opened one of the drawers that contained Hyukjae’s clothes. He lets out a little laugh when he finds Hyukjae’s underwear.

Hyukjae shakes his head. “Oh no.”

“Hyukjae, I am your hyung, and I demand that we decorate your stupid room,” Donghae cheekily threatens. He marches back to the bed and opens his bag to produce a polaroid camera. “Let’s start now.”

 

Hyukjae steps back, but Donghae tugs his arm forward. Donghae wraps an arm around Hyukjae’s shoulders, and pulls him close to his body, then uses his other arm to hold up the camera just above their faces. Donghae clicks the button and the camera produces a flash. He lowers it and pulls out the thin white card.

 

“Now we wait,” Donghae says. He puts the picture down on the dresser, then pushes Hyukjae towards the bed. “Lie down. I want to take a picture of you.”

Hyukjae feels his face flush and hopes that it doesn’t show. “That sounded a lot dirtier in my head.”

Donghae chuckles, and he shakes his head in disbelief. “I just want a picture of you to put in my wallet.”

 

Hyukjae sighs and he lowers himself on the bed. He stretches over his sheets slowly, never taking his eyes off of Donghae. The latter’s eyes had darkened, his face turning serious as he takes in Hyukjae’s movements. He comes closer to the bed, then lies down next to him, propping himself up by his elbow.

 

“Smile,” Donghae whispers, putting the camera to his face.

 

Hyukjae obeys, putting the cutest and gummiest smile that he can muster. He sees the flash, and in a second, another white card was produced. Donghae stands up and puts it next to the polaroid from earlier. He senses Hyukjae behind him and he turns, his heart beating with anticipation.

 

Hyukjae licks his lips, his mind going through so many ideas now that he has Donghae for a little while like this. They are alone with each other.

 

He brings his hand on Donghae’s chest, and down his stomach. His hands slowly work to unbutton his jeans, and he brings the zipper down. He glances up to gauge Donghae’s expression, but it is hard and serious. He doesn’t make any indication to stop. Hyukjae kneels, like one might in prayer, and he runs his hands down Donghae’s torso, and up his legs, feeling him up.

 

He meets Donghae’s eyes again, searching for approval, but he doesn’t get a yes or a no.

 

Donghae’s breathing quickens as Hyukjae slips his hand under his underwear.

 

“Tell me what you want,” Hyukjae states, slowly stroking Donghae’s length. “Do you want this? Do you like it?”

 

Donghae still doesn’t say anything. He takes a deep breath, then he catches Hyukjae’s arm to stop him.

 

“Hyukjae,” he says. “I want to wait.”

 

Hyukjae retreats his hand, a little confused. “What?”

 

Donghae sits up and he closes his pants. “I...I’m not married yet. This is something reserved for married people.”

 

Hyukjae gapes at him, trying to grasp a word. Anything. Then, he feels a little troubled and irritation starts to build up. Most of all, he kind of feels hurt. “So, what? What am I to you? Some kid to just kiss for fun?”

 

Donghae opens his mouth, about to protest, but Hyukjae pursues the anger that he’s feeling. He stands up.

 

“You think I’m just a passing fling? Because you’re thinking of saving yourself for a marriage down the line? With a girl, right? Traditional wedding and all that,” Hyukjae snaps. He never raises his voice, but this. This probably takes the cake. “I can’t believe you.”

 

“Hyukjae,” Donghae shouts to interrupt. He is desperate to explain himself.

“Get out,” Hyukjae bristles. “Out!”

 

Donghae stands up, a hundred words fighting its way to his mouth. Nothing comes out.

 

Instead, he says, “I’ll call you later.”

“Save your breath,” Hyukjae murmurs. He turns away from Donghae, trying not to let the tears out. He doesn’t get why Donghae would just suddenly back out.

 

Donghae is not one to give up, but he’ll let Hyukjae have some space. He badly needs to get this right with Hyukjae.

 

~

 

“I love you, Hyukjae,” he said. “Let me do this for you. If you love me, you’ll do this with me, right?”

 

Hyukjae hesitantly nods. He can’t quite speak, afraid to break this tangible tension. Something about this feels so wrong, but he loves this guy and he didn’t want to anger him and make him stop loving him. Shouldn’t he make it as meaningful too? This is what you do when you love someone, right?

 

He feels his legs being spread, and he feels so vulnerable. Like someone had peeled his skin off, and he’s displayed for everyone to see. He doesn’t….want this. Not like this. No.

 

Hyukjae closes his eyes as he feels a tearing sensation inside him. He covers his hand to muffle a sob, and he feels hot tears going down his face.

 

“There, there. Shh. Do you trust me?”

Hyukjae moans, and he hates himself for making such a lewd sound.

 

“It feels good, right?”

 

Hyukjae mewls, but it’s because it was too painful. He cries out, wanting to stop but he was afraid. The other mercilessly pounded into him, and Hyukjae couldn’t breathe.

 

“You’re doing great, baby.”

 

“N-” Stop. Please, stop. It hurts. It hurts, oh god. Hyukjae can only scream.

 

The other didn’t even hold him in the end.

 

On a school day, the students gawked at him like he’s a whole walking circus, disgust written all over their faces. They spat insults at him, and Hyukjae keeps his head down, ashamed.

 

He spots him among his group of friends, and he overhears him exclaiming, “He seduced me! He was basically asking for it, throwing himself all over me!”

 

“Bro, that was so gay!”

“Well, I’m not. But I’m a guy, ya know? I have my needs and I was curious too, but it’s not my thing.”

 

Hyukjae speeds up his walk. His heart couldn’t possibly break even more.

 

He felt so empty that he wished that he could just die. He can't face the world anymore. He bought and bought things for himself, trying to acquire nice and beautiful things that felt good, and now, he’s broke.

 

~

 

“You must deprived yourself of the flesh in order to live a righteous life,” the pastor preached.

 

Hyukjae grits his teeth, and he avoids Donghae’s simmering gaze. They haven’t talked in a week, meaning that Hyukjae had avoid any kind of confrontation from him. He had contemplated on what happened and he realized that he was probably being childish. He should have given Donghae a chance to explain himself, and respected him but he didn’t want to end up hurt. What if Hyukjae is being used again?

 

Please, God. I can’t take another heartbreak.

 

He knows that Donghae is sincere, and he regrets losing his cool. Now, his stubbornness is all he has left.

 

~

 

On Wednesday night, Hyukjae finds Donghae on his knees, his head bowed and his hands clasped together. His lips move silently, and his shoulders are shaking. Hyukjae sits on one of the pews, observing this vulnerable Donghae. He has been trying to contact Hyukjae, never missing a day. He is persistent in his own right.

 

Now, Hyukjae had come to apologize, but for some reason, seeing Donghae like this makes him hesitate. He knows deep inside that he’s rotten, and if he stayed by Donghae’s side, he’ll make Donghae the same. He’ll ruin sweet, faithful and righteous Donghae.

 

He hears Donghae gasp and sniffle, and Hyukjae wants to come to him and cry with him.

 

Donghae turns, and he immediately finds Hyukjae’s small frame by the back rows.

 

“Come here,” Donghae said in a steady voice. He wipes his eyes quickly.

 

Hyukjae doesn’t waste a second. He goes to Donghae’s arms, and he melts into his embrace.

 

“I’m so sorry,” Hyukjae says. “I didn’t...think. I don’t want to force you anything. That’s not fair. I should have respected your wishes.”

 

Donghae tucks his face into Hyukjae’s warm neck and he smooths the back of his head. “You must forgive me. I want you so badly, Hyukjae. It takes so much of my will to control myself. I don’t want to make you think you’re replaceable.”

 

Donghae sighs. “I hope that you know that love is not just all about having sex. It can be a wonderful thing, even without the physical pleasures.”

“Can you stop? You sound like a priest,” Hyukjae comments. “You should teach on Sundays, instead of these prude, old men.”

 

Donghae chuckles lightly. “Don’t be like this.”

“I’m like this, Donghae. You’re gonna have to learn to get used to it.”

 

Donghae tightens his hold around Hyukjae. Then he pushes him back a little so that their faces would meet. “Listen to me.”

 

Hyukjae was all ears.

 

“I want you, and someday, I also want to make love to you. We have to take it slow.”

 

Hyukjae takes a deep breath. “Take it slow? We...don’t have a lot of time. We still need to figure out what to do, what and how we can possibly make it work-”

“-I know, I know. Just give me time?”

 

“Like, how much time? It’s either you want it, or you don’t.”

 

Donghae frowns. There’s something so heavy in his heart that it was hard to explain. “I can’t control myself with you. I...there’s….” Donghae sighs, struggling to get his words out. He glances at the altar, where the big cross is glaring at him. He feels helpless.

 

Hyukjae shoves Donghae to instigate him. “Then don’t.”

 

Donghae chuckles, turning to Hyukjae, who is now pouting cutely. “Wow, what happened to respecting my wishes?”

Hyukjae looks down sheepishly. “I’m sorry. I’m really new to this...not having sex thing-not that I hook up with people randomly!” He exclaims.

 

Donghae smiles, and he takes Hyukjae’s hands. “How about we start with little things? Show me, step by step. I want to get to know you better.” Donghae wants to map out Hyukjae’s body into his mind, like a treasure map with all the hidden tricks and surprises. He wants to know what makes Hyukjae tick, and also how to pleasure him. He wants to learn Hyukjae and listen to what his body is telling him.

 

Hyukjae purses his lips. “How far do you want to take this?”

“I can stay stop?” Donghae suggests. “No bed stuff, though.”

 

Hyukjae grins mischievously. “We don’t need a bed.”

Donghae shakes his head and he cups Hyukjae’s face. “Nothing like that.”

 

“Then what do you want, Donghae? I really don’t know how to show you that I...like you a lot.”

 

Donghae pretends to think. “How about we continue where we left off?”

 

Hyukjae widens his eyes in surprise. “Okay, I was thinking of like, hot make-out sessions.” Then he smirks. “You have a dirty mind too, don’t you? Stop pretending like you’re innocent.”

“I’m not.” Donghae kisses Hyukjae, hard. “Maybe you just bring out the worst in me.” He says it in a joking way, but at the moment, he wonders at the idea. Hyukjae makes him think of so many things that isn't right, but not completely wrong, and so few of them only get spoken.

 

Hyukjae chuckles, but he is already lowering himself to his knees. Donghae looks at him with a dark gaze, and Hyukjae submits to him.

 

“You don’t mind?” Hyukjae is suddenly uncertain. “Weren’t you planning on saving yourself?”

 

Donghae reaches for Hyukjae’s face and he caresses his cheek. “Go ahead.” He looks at Hyukjae tenderly. “It’s not like I’ll get married to a girl.”

 

Hyukjae opens Donghae’s pants without hesitation, and lowers it. He takes out Donghae’s cock, and he strokes it. He glances at Donghae, who is watching him intently, clearly aroused. He pumps Donghae’s length, and on instinct, the older thrusts into his hand. His lets out a pleased sigh. Hyukjae takes that as a signal to keep going and he licks the head experimentally. A shiver racks through Donghae’s body, and his greediness for Hyukjae comes to the surface.

 

Hyukjae engulfs his mouth around Donghae’s dick, and he sucks it slowly, using his tongue to trace under and over his thick length. Donghae is hardening with every suck, and Hyukjae quickened his pace.

 

Donghae groans at the heat, and he thrusts forward without thinking. Hyukjae hums as he grabs the base of his cock, and Donghae throws his head back, moaning at the combination of Hyukjae’s hot cavern and the way he is pumping his length.

 

Donghae grabs Hyukjae’s head and tugs on his hair, and he hisses as Hyukjae brings him to a high that he can’t quite get ahold of his conscience. Donghae starts to thrust in to meet Hyukjae’s sucking, and Hyukjae groans. He tries to relax his throat to let Donghae in further. 

 

Donghae’s knees weaken from the desire. He imagines how good it would feel to have his dick inside Hyukjae.

 

Hyukjae sucks particularly hard at one point, and Donghae releases into his mouth. Hyukjae chokes a bit, but he when he pulls away from Donghae, he only wiped the corner of his mouth.

 

Donghae stares at him, a kind of excitement filling his whole body.

 

“Fuck, that was so hot,” he says, a little breathless.

 

Hyukjae shrugs and he fixes Donghae’s pants. “Your welcome.” He stands up, his knees aching a little. “That’s what you’ve missed out on.”

 

Donghae pulls Hyukjae into a filling kiss.


	6. A Church With No Body

Donghae jerks awake when he feels a sharp jab on his side. He protests, and pulls the blanket higher to him, but then he feels the same jab on the same side.

 

“Donghae,” Hyukjae whispers. The sky outside is still dark. “Donghae.”

 

Donghae turns away to get some more sleep.

 

“Donghae, you have to go, it’s almost five am,” Hyukjae whispers.

“Five more minutes,” Donghae complains.

 

“Hell no,” Hyukjae hisses. He takes his pillow from under his head and he whacks Donghae off the bed. “You have to be back home at six, and you can’t make it if you’re still here!”

“I’m like five blocks away, I can run that in fifteen minutes!”

 

Donghae dives on the bed and he collects Hyukjae back into his arms. Hyukjae giggles, but he covers his mouth.

 

“Yah!” He exclaims.

 

Donghae chuckles and kisses Hyukjae on the neck. “Okay, okay. I’m going.”

“Ass,” Hyukjae murmurs.

 

“Is that how you talk to your elders?” Donghae asks as he puts on his sweatshirt. “No wonder people think you’re rude.”

“But my cuteness makes up for it!” Hyukjae supplies.

 

Donghae puts on his socks and he rolls his eyes. “Right.”

 

Hyukjae opens his bedroom window, and the fresh morning air hits them. “See you at school?”

 

Donghae nods. He gently lowers himself on the back porch roof, and then carefully proceeds to the edge. Hyukjae holds his breath as Donghae finds his foothold as he grips the edge of the roof to jump to the ground.

 

Donghae lands safely, and Hyukjae watches him as he darts out and goes to the road. If anyone asks Donghae, he would reply that he was out for a morning jog-which wasn’t unusual for him.

 

Hyukjae closes his window, and he goes back to get another hour of sleep.

 

~

 

As much as possible, they agreed on ignoring each other in the hallways, or wherever they happen to meet up. They had to lay low to get Donghae’s friends off his back, and also because Hyukjae did not want anyone to think that he’s infecting anyone with his nonexistent disease. He didn’t care, he learned how to deal with these things. He learned to keep his head down, and to take the bullying because he knew that no one would help him. He needed to be able to walk on his own.

 

Not a lot of people are bothering him now, since midterms are coming up so quickly.

 

They limit their library rendezvous, and only came there when they need to talk with each other.

 

In the cafeteria, Hyukjae had to push down his jealousy since girls approached Donghae, playing dumb to get some time with him. They want him as their tutor.

 

Hyukjae is reminded of the time where he had to keep everything in wraps with that guy, and he finds himself wishing at times that he shouldn’t have been in a relationship. At least, he doesn’t have to juggle so many secrets in one time.

 

~

 

Donghae sees one of the deacon members reach into one of the open coiffers and pockets the money. The more Donghae spends time with Hyukjae, the more he sees that the people around him, that goes to church on Sundays aren’t what they seem. Their lives outside of church did not align, and even inside, they dirty this house.

 

He had been so oblivious and naive, thinking that everyone around him were kind and devoted. He’d like to see people in a good light, but being with Hyukjae makes him think that he can hardly trust anyone. Their words do not follow their actions.

 

Hyukjae is far from perfect, but at least, Hyukjae knows it and he embraces it. He doesn’t pretend to be anyone else, at least, around him.

 

They both knew how painful it would be to come out, especially when the people around them are very religious by the book.

 

~

 

Donghae pulls his fingers out of Hyukjae’s tight hole, and gathers the younger one into his arms. Hyukjae sighs and fits himself better inside Donghae’s embrace, tucking his head between the space of Donghae’s neck and shoulder.

 

“How was that?” Donghae asks into Hyukjae’s ear.

 

“Hmm, better,” Hyukjae replies.

 

Donghae runs a hand over Hyukjae’s arm, and he plants soft kisses by the side of his head. “I think I want to get a job.”

 

Hyukjae nods. “What do your parents think?”

“Well, as long as it’s not Sunday,” Donghae mutters in a mocking way.

Hyukjae places a hand over Donghae’s hip. “That’s fine, right? Sunday is important.”

 

Donghae mules this over. These days, Sundays have become just another day for him. Except he’s being yelled at and being forced to do all these things by people who are probably worse than him.

 

“Hae?”

“Yes?”

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah.”

“So, the job, what are you thinking about?”

“I don’t know. Somewhere I can earn enough money for myself.”

 

Hyukjae nods. He senses Donghae’s souring mood and wishes to distract him from it. “Do you want to talk more?”

Donghae tightens his embrace around Hyukjae. “No.”

 

~

 

The boiler and a few pipes had burst, and Donghae knows that it’s because the church couldn’t afford to keep up with maintenance. He also knows the reason why. He told Hyukjae about this, and he felt really bitter.

 

Hyukjae feels bad, and he partly feels guilty because Donghae is starting to lose his connection to his faith. That was one thing that he never wanted to happen to Donghae.

 

“Don’t look at the people,” Hyukjae suggests. “You just have to continue looking up, to your God, the one who matters the most.”

 

They don’t have to say that either way, being a good or bad will still make them sinners.

 

~

 

The first time Donghae put his cock into Hyukjae’s ass, he came after a few thrusts in a few minutes because of the tightness. Hyukjae had laughed it off, but there was a slight frown in his expression. The younger didn’t realize that Donghae hasn’t built his stamina yet and he shouldn’t have expected a magical start. His very first time was something he wanted to bury, but he also shouldn’t use Donghae like this.

 

Regardless, Donghae had wanted to try again like an eager student.

 

Hyukjae didn’t feel like it since it was already awkward enough, but he can never say no to Donghae. He felt a little afraid, but it was sweet, gentle Donghae.

 

In the end, the two of them were exhausted, and Hyukjae felt like he had spent too much money.

 

“Donghae,” he calls into the dark.

“Hm?” Donghae mumbles, half-asleep.

 

“I’m sorry,” he whispers.

“For what?” His voice is deep and velvety, like a cushion and all Hyukjae wants to do is to lean into that comfortable embrace.

 

“I’m just sorry.” For even rushing this. You were right, we should have waited. What am I even doing?

Donghae tightens his arms around Hyukjae. “Sleep, babe.”

 

Hyukjae tangles their hands together. He hears Donghae lightly snoring, and he thinks that this is what he was robbed of.

 

~

 

“The Bible says, ‘Do not be equally yoked with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common…’ ”

 

Hyukjae keeps his head down and Donghae glances at him, a little troubled. He wants to walk over to where Hyukjae is and cover his ears for him. He didn’t have to hear that he was an exemplary sinner. Hyukjae already knew it. Though Donghae knows that Hyukjae pretends that it doesn’t bother him, he knows that it does.

 

Hyukjae doesn’t talk about why he even has to attend church, or the circumstances around his “exile” but Donghae knows that it was all meant to make him turn the other way.  

 

Donghae wants to say hi to Hyukjae at the end of the service, but the younger barely spared him any look. By now, he is used to Hyukjae’s random indifference to him, but it hurts. He doesn’t know whether to get mad at him, or coax him into talking with him.

 

At night, he bombards him with texts with only one goal in mind: to make him respond.

 

Donghae paces in his room, worry eating him from the inside.

 

Hyukjae’s name appear on his screen, and Donghae doesn’t hesitate to answer.

 

“Hyuk,” Donghae calls in relief.

“Stop texting me,” the younger says.

 

Donghae pauses, unsure of how to proceed.

 

“Come over and help me decorate my room,” Hyukjae tells him and then he hangs up.

 

Donghae throws his polaroid camera into a bag, and other random things and puts on a hoodie. He thunders out of his room and down his steps, where his parents looked at him in questioningly.

 

“I’ll be back,” Donghae says.

“Where are you going at this hour?” His father interrogates.

“A friend has car trouble,” Donghae lies. At this point, it’s as easy as breathing.

 

His father watches the back of his head as he steps out of the house. “Don’t be out too late.”

 

Donghae glances back at his parents, and he nods. There’s a prickle of hurt in his heart.

 

~

 

Hyukjae stares at him, unimpressed. He steps aside to let Donghae in, and they head to his room without exchanging any words.

 

Donghae steps inside, and he observes the blank walls and unadorned furniture. His eyes flit to the bed, where the sheets and the pillows were stripped off, then at Hyukjae’s clothes, which are not in its respective places.

 

“What are you doing?” Donghae asks, miffed.

 

Hyukjae stays by the threshold, watching Donghae’s broad back.

 

“I’m so sick and tired of your silent treatments,” Donghae snaps. He turns to Hyukjae, trying to keep an expectant look. “You ask me if I’m playing around with you, but don’t you think you’re also doing the same thing?”

 

Hyukjae takes a deep breath. “Let’s break up.” He says out loud, and he lets it hang in the air like a death sentence.

 

Donghae stares at Hyukjae in disbelief. “What?”

 

“I said-”

“I heard what you said!” Donghae shouts, his gaze smoldering. He clenches his fists. “Are you not going to give me a reason why?”

 

Hyukjae stares at Donghae, helpless. He opens his mouth to say something, but he can only utter a croak.

 

“Hyukjae,” Donghae whispers, unable to say anything less. He wrings his arms, only to settle them by his sides.

Hyukjae folds his arms, and he swallows. “Haven’t you learned anything from your church’s sermons?”

 

Donghae shifts his weight to his other leg.

 

Hyukjae stares at the floor instead. Donghae can live a happy life, and a righteous one at that. He will have good blessings in his life, and Hyukjae cannot stand in his way. Donghae has a belief, and he shouldn’t be reason enough to abandon his faith.

 

“We can’t be together,” Hyukjae says in defeat. “You must put your God first. I can’t compete with that.”

 

Hyukjae steps aside to make space for Donghae’s exit.

 

However, Donghae stays put.

 

“Thou shalt love your neighbor as thyself,” he states, quoting the Bible. “Why can’t I love God and you at the same time?”

 

Hyukjae gapes at Donghae. Is he really not...giving up? Even if it meant giving up a hypothetical happy heaven?

 

“I get to love whoever I want,” Donghae proclaims.

“Donghae, you are giving up a life in-”

“I don’t care what I have to give up!”

“You don’t get it!”

“What do I don’t get?! It’s simple! I love you!”

 

Hyukjae’s mouth drops open.

 

“I love you,” Donghae repeats, his words echoing in Hyukjae’s head.


	7. Follow Me Down

“Omoh!” Donghae’s mother exclaimed. “Omoh!”

 

Donghae looks up from his breakfast, his muddled thoughts clearing a little, like the cereal flakes on his bowl when he brings his spoon down.

 

“What is it?” His father said, flipping through the morning newspaper.

“Your nephew is getting married!” His mother shouts in excitement.

 

“Sungmin hyung is getting married?” Donghae asks, a little bewildered.

“He wants to do it in our church, since he grew up there,” his mother explains.

 

Donghae stares at his food, dumbfounded.

 

~

 

The whole week, while the rushed wedding preparations were being made, Hyukjae barely spared him a glance. They volunteered their time to help out, but that doesn’t take Donghae’s mind off of him. He’s been trying to move heaven and earth discreetly to try and get some alone time with him, but Hyukjae always finds an excuse to get away.

 

Donghae is mad, and he wants to give up, but at the same time, his feelings for Hyukjae are growing stronger and he can't even find it in himself to control them.

 

Siwon stands beside him, holding a stack of chairs in his arms. “What are you two doing?” He queries. He gives Donghae a knowing look.

 

Donghae’s eyebrows furrow. “What are you talking about?”

“I mean, you and Hyukjae,” Siwon lowers his voice.

 

Donghae turns to him in surprise and also in panic.

 

“Relax, I won’t tell anyone,” Siwon alleviates his worry. “But seriously, what happened? If you two keep acting out like this, someone will put one and one together and figure it out.”

 

Donghae sighs. “I told him that I love him.”

Siwon chuckles good-heartedly. “And, what’s the problem with that?”

 

“He wanted to break up,” Donghae replies, his mood getting worse. Who said talking about feelings was a good thing?

“Did you say I love you as like a last minute effort of not breaking up?”

 

“No, I’m not that cruel. I just want to know why he just says that. Like one minute, he’s lovey-dovey, and then the next, he wants to leave me in the dust.”

 

Siwon eyes Hyukjae across the church, who is now helping arrange the flowers.

 

“Have you even asked him why he feels that way?”

“He’s so concerned about my spiritual life.”

“Donghae, if you listen closely to the people talking in school, you’d know that he was with someone else before you, but the truth can be muddy. He’s called all kinds of names, and that stuff just follows someone like him around.”

 

Donghae bites his lip.

 

“He’s probably trying to protect you.”

“I don’t need protection.”

“How about saving then? You said he’s concerned about your faith.” Siwon looks troubled by this bit. “You know, you were a full on church boy before him. Don’t you think he feels bad? He probably feels like you’re turning away from God because of him. I don’t think he wants you to give up who you are and change yourself because of him.”

 

Donghae takes a deep breath and exhales heavily. “Why doesn’t he tell me?”

“He’s probably trying to, but he’s also a guy, Donghae. If the rumors in school were true, he’s been hurt badly before and he’s used to attacking first before getting attacked.”

 

Donghae watches Hyukjae as he puts a bouquet of flowers into a vase.

 

“I hate that he’s not open. So what if he’s a guy? I tell him everything, and the more I think about it, I don’t know him very well!” Donghae rants.

 

Siwon gives him a small smile, as if he’s regretting of engaging into a conversation with Donghae. “Just talk it out. Gosh.”

 

~

 

Jungsoo raises an eyebrow at Hyukjae, who is staring off into space in front of his dinner. He has been silent for the past few days, which made Jungsoo suspect that there’s trouble in paradise.

 

“What?” Jungsoo inquires.

“Has mom said anything?”

Jungsoo feels bad for this young boy, whose parents had basically disowned him. “No.”

Hyukjae pouts.

 

“But I do know that they want you to finish school strong,” Jungsoo supplies.

“I don’t think they care if I die in a ditch,” Hyukjae comments dryly.

 

Jungsoo frowns in that understanding way of his. “Don’t talk like that. You know they love you.”

“Love the idea of me, of being the good son, or love the real me?”

 

“Donghae loves the real you,” Jungsoo interjects.

 

Hyukjae looks away. “Does he, really…” How can Donghae love him when he's the reason why he's growing disillusioned? Love is not suppose to lead him away from good things. 

 

Jungsoo sighs exasperatedly. “Hyukjae, you have to stop this tirade.”

“What’s a tirade?”

Jungsoo grits his teeth, albeit with his usual patience. “Stop being annoying.”

“Hyung,” Hyukjae protests.

 

“You are being childish and stupid, and you know it.”

Hyukjae sighs, and he pushes his plate away. “Hyung, the last time someone said I love you to me, I ended up here.”

 

“And because of that person, you met Donghae.”

Hyukjae pouts again because Jungsoo is right. 

 

“What are you waiting for?” Jungsoo asks, leaning forward to meet the younger’s eyes. “Yes, you had your heart broken, but it doesn’t mean it won’t heal.”

“What if I’m just using Donghae for my own means? What if I’m a bad person to him?”

 

Jungsoo smiles kindly. “Hyukjae, I know you. You’re not a bad person.”

Hyukjae blows into the air. “He’s a good man.” The more Hyukjae talked to Jungsoo, the more he feels like a fool. “I could also leave any moment.”

 

“Do you love him?”

 

Hyukjae blinks.

 

“Because that’s reason enough to make it work,” Jungsoo states firmly. “I know you’re young and maybe it’s early for you to think about these things, but don’t you think he’s worth a try?”

 

~

 

Daylight streams into the pristine atmosphere of the church. Flowers and ribbons decorated the walls and the pews, and there was an arch by the altar, entwined with flowers and leaves. Parts of the altar were darkened to give attention to the two people who will be getting married. A red carpet is rolled out all the way to the door, where the bride is going to come from. All the golden chandeliers hanging from the ceiling were lit, and were decorated with streamers.

 

The doors were wide opened, and Hyukjae was helping guests and family find their seats. He finds Donghae carrying a two blue velvet boxes, walking around with his cloudy eyes, a troubled frown on his handsome features. 

 

Hyukjae made a promise to himself that after the wedding, he will seek to straighten things out with Donghae. He doesn’t want to run away from him anymore. 

 

Their eyes meet for a moment, but Donghae was quick to look away. He stopped texting and calling Hyukjae a few days ago.

 

Hyukjae takes a deep breath, and he brings out his best smile.

 

~

 

The organ starts to play, and the doors open again to reveal the bride. She walks down the aisle with her arm on her father’s, her white veil trailing behind her.

 

Donghae glances at Hyukjae’s face every once in a while, a determined feeling building inside him. Today, he will seek him out and reiterate that his words have not changed. His feeling remains the same and he will do anything for Hyukjae to know that he is sincere. 

 

Hyukjae’s eyes also travel to Donghae and this time, neither one of them looked away. If there was a live wire between them, it would have writhed from the tension. 

 

They hear the pastor utter out the ceremonial preambles, but it passes over their heads. They can only hear each other, anything else flattens like a background, as if they have their own four walls. 

 

Donghae was shaken out of his stupor when it was time for the rings to be delivered to the front. He returns to the spot beside Sungmin’s best man, Kyuhyun. When he tries to look for Hyukjae, he was nowhere to be seen. His eyes roamed the room, and he catches Hyukjae disappearing into one of the archways leading to a backdoor.

 

Donghae takes a deep breath, and he slowly steps back.

 

No one paid attention to him since everyone had their eyes on the two people getting married. Though even if he was noticed, Donghae does not care at the moment. Today, he will take his chances for Hyukjae.

 

The moment he exited the other backdoor, he runs. He doesn’t know where he’s going but somehow, he has a hunch. Each step he takes closes the distance between him and Hyukjae, and back to that fateful day when they revisited the same hallway, and realized that it was a fucked up world after all. Though he wouldn't complain. It was the same world that delivered Hyukjae to him. 

Hyukjae turns up after a few turns, walking towards the prayer room.

 

Donghae jogs lightly and he grabs Hyukjae by the arm, and he turns him around quickly.

 

“Donghae,” Hyukjae said, his eyes wide.

“Look,” Donghae begins, mustering his courage. 

 

Hyukjae puts a hand on his chest. “No, let me say this.”

Donghae’s grip on his arm loosens. He’s a little scared of what Hyukjae will say.

 

“I want to be with you,” Hyukjae says and for the first time, he’s never been so sure. “I know I’ve been a whole jerk to you, and that’s no excuse. I’m sorry, Donghae. I really am.” He looks away. "You make me whole, but I'm scared that we'll never go through what we started between us. I'm not as angelic as you think, I am so scared that I will hurt you-" Hyukjae chokes, feeling his throat close up. "Damn it!"

 

Donghae pulls Hyukjae into his arms, clutching onto him like he is his saving grace.

 

Lee Sungmin, do you take this woman, to love and to hold…

 

They pull apart a little, and Donghae clutches Hyukjae’s neck to kiss him tenderly. Hyukjae surrounds his arms around Donghae’s waist and opens his mouth to let him in farther. This was nothing new to him, and how he wishes that it wasn’t the case. He wishes he's washed cleaned inside so that Donghae can leave his mark on him, to taint him in his own way. However, being held like this Donghae was kind of like a first for him.

 

He is a new person with him. The Hyukjae before Donghae was gone, long buried with that coveting old pastor.

 

Donghae pushes him inside the prayer room, and kicks the door close behind them.

 

I do.

 

Do you take this man, to love and to hold, in sickness and in health, for better or worse…

 

Donghae pushes Hyukjae to the wall, and their mouths continue to move together, molding until Hyukjae forgets which part of him is his, and which part belongs to the other. They cling to each other desperately, their hands feeling each other up, losing themselves in the moment.

 

Hyukjae pulls away, and he meets Donghae’s eyes. He falls open before him, and he loses himself in Donghae’s touches and heated kisses. Donghae lifts him to his waist, and Hyukjae was quick to wrap his legs around him.

 

“Wait,” Hyukjae whispers hotly into Donghae’s ear. His lips were moist, and it touches the side of Donghae’s head. “Are you sure?”

 

Donghae says yes by pressing Hyukjae harder into the wall. However, he pauses when he seemed to have remembered something.

 

“I only have a condom with me,” Donghae says. His eyes shake nervously.

“Umm,” Hyukjae giggles, feeling Donghae’s hardening length pressed against him. “Were you thinking of getting laid?”

“Yeah, sorta, but not like this,” Donghae whines.

 

Hyukjae kisses Donghae. “Where is it?”

“You could get hurt,” Donghae reasons.

“Have you been forgetting what we’ve been doing last week?” Hyukjae murmurs. “Besides, did you think you’re the only who prepared?”

 

Donghae swallows.

 

“Where is it?” Hyukjae swiftly snakes his hand on Donghae’s ass and puts it in his back pocket, while openly groping him.

 

Hyukjae smiles cheekily and pulls Donghae’s pants down. “You ready? It has a bit of lube, so we should be fine.” He palms Donghae’s erection through his underwear, earning a needy groan from him.

 

It doesn’t take long to slip the condom, and for Hyukjae to push his pants down. Donghae takes him against the wall, their bodies quivering from the effort of holding themselves up. Donghae thrusts into Hyukjae, and the small cross above them rattles against the wall as they settle in a consistent rhythm.

 

Donghae kisses Hyukjae’s neck fervently with the same passion used for worshipping, licking and sucking the white expanse of skin there. Hyukjae’s moans makes Donghae zone into that sound and he loses himself in their rhythm. He grunts at the effort of keeping Hyukjae on his waist, but his legs are shaking. He slowly bends to lower the two of them on the ground, and then adjusts Hyukjae so that his back is now on the floor, bent under him.

 

Donghae thrusts up, and Hyukjae mewls as the new position sends an electrifying jolt through his body. He reaches down and he starts to pump himself, trying to keep up with Donghae’s pace.

 

Donghae surrounds an arm around Hyukjae’s waist, and he pulls him into a sitting position. Hyukjae understands, and he puts his hands on Donghae’s shoulders and he starts to grind on him, coaxing the other into release.

 

Hyukjae stares into Donghae’s eyes, watching as pure bliss comes across the latter’s face. They crash into each other again, quickly and violently, skin slapping against skin.

 

Hyukjae throws his head back and his mouth opens to let out a string of obscenities. He digs his nails on Donghae’s shoulders, as the breath is continuously knocked from his chest. 

 

"Yes!" Hyukjae whines, oh so sinfully. He lets out a keen, the sound catching in his throat. He utters Donghae's name, the mere sound of it making him weak and submissive. 

 

Donghae groans, and he releases into Hyukjae. He takes Hyukjae’s length into his hand to finish him off while planting soft kisses across his chest.

 

Hyukjae comes and he shivers from the feeling. His head is buzzing pleasantly, and he couldn’t think straight. He forgets where he is, and the only thing he is certain of is that Donghae is his at this moment. Right now. He leans his head on Donghae, their breaths and heartbeats matching each other from the close contact.

 

“No more silent treatments,” Donghae murmurs groggily. “You have to come to me when you have something in your mind.”

“Okay.”

“And dismissing me when we get into fights. We solve them together.”

“Okay, okay.”

 

Donghae kisses Hyukjae’s cheek. “And no more acting for the greater good.”

 

Hyukjae wraps his arms around Donghae’s body, savoring his warmth. “All right, all right. I got you.”

 

Donghae chuckles when he finds the small cross fallen on the ground. The wedding bells start to chime.


	8. My Hallelujah

“A special place?” Hyukjae asks curiously.

 

“Yeah, like just in case something happens that we don’t expect and we need to let the other know,” Donghae replies. He plays with Hyukjae’s slender fingers, loving the creases and its smoothness because it’s connected to Hyukjae.

“We have to look for one then,” Hyukjae says. He caresses Donghae’s arm around his waist. “Also, we haven’t even gone on a first date.”

 

Donghae sighs. “Obviously, we can’t go in public.”

“Yeah we can,” Hyukjae snorts. “Are you scared?”

“Yeah, duh.”

“Okay, just don’t look panicked.”

“Your sole presence near me makes me panic.”

“Awww,” Hyukjae cooes.

 

“Seriously?”

 

Hyukjae shrugs. “Prom is coming up. We can sneak out. I’m still an underclassman, it’s up to you.” The idea suddenly branches into a plan inside his mind. He looks down at their tangled hands together and smiles. How is it that he’s satisfied holding Donghae’s hand like this? He just wants to keep holding his hand now.

 

“I’m in,” Donghae said, planting a kiss on his temple.

“Let’s find the special place first.”

 

~

 

Donghae gathers the mail and he searches through each envelope for his name. He takes them out of the stack and puts the rest on the dining table, where his mom would later sort it. He heads upstairs to his room in anticipation, and when he got inside, he takes a deep breath and tears the envelope.

 

He takes out the letter inside it, and slowly unfolded it.

 

His eyes scanned it quickly, and before he knew it, he was jumping around in joy with tears in his eyes.

 

The first person to come to his mind was Hyukjae. He whips out his phone and calls him, and the younger was quick to respond.

 

“Yes?” He asks, a little hesitant.

Donghae giggles. “I got accepted to my dream university!”

 

Hyukjae takes a deep breath, and Donghae can hear his proud smile spreading across his features. “Congratulations.”

“I’m going to college!” He exclaims.

 

“Yeah...you’re going to college,” Hyukjae repeats slowly.

 

Donghae grins and he examines his room. There were posters of bands and sports teams all over the wall, and university flags pasted without any type of organization. Pictures littered his drawers and desks, and there were his favorite novels and comics spread around on the floor; some were lined up in his bookshelves, without proper order. He takes a look at his bed, where he had slept most of his life and he realizes that he will be sleeping on another bed, with probably different sheets. He would probably have a roommate, and he can’t be as messy as he’d liked to be.

 

And he’s about to graduate. Graduation gowns and caps, and all.

Then there’s Hyukjae.

 

Donghae sits himself down at the edge of his bed, pondering on this person that he loves.

 

“Look at you, becoming an adult,” Hyukjae almost whispers.

 

Life is simply moving on, and it jolts the two of them. For a while, time made them think that the days wouldn’t go forward.

 

~

 

Hyukjae hears Jungsoo talking on the phone with his mother, and he tries to be stealthy to listen in the conversation. He doesn’t really hear his mother’s voice, but he does hear Jungsoo’s murmuring. He presses his back against the wall, his eyes on the ground and at particularly nothing. He bites his lips, remembering the events that led him to this moment.

 

Despite trying to summon every fiber of his being to hate his parents, he misses them. He recalls his sweetest memories with them, and it breaks his heart. He wonders if he had really change to the point that they couldn’t recognize him.

 

Hyukjae snaps out his thoughts when he hears Jungsoo talking again.

 

“Yeah, he’s, yeah,” Jungsoo says. Then he leans away from the phone. “Hyukjae, it’s your mom!”

 

Hyukjae takes a deep breath, and he pretends that he came from upstairs. “What?”

 

Jungsoo hands the phone to him, and Hyukjae takes it as if the object will burn him. He puts it against his ear.

 

“Yes?” He snaps. He couldn’t help it.

 

“I just want to know how you’re doing,” his mother said.

“You know, still gay,” Hyukjae deadpans.

 

His mother clears her throat. “Hyukjae.”

“I know this is difficult for you, but think about how I also felt,” Hyukjae rants. His throat threatens to close up. “You pushed me away. I needed you and dad to hold my hand! Did you even think about me? I was heartbroken!”

 

His mother stays silent.

 

“I hate you!”

 

Hyukjae rips the phone from his ear and he tosses it to Jungsoo, who gave him a panicked look.

 

“Mrs. Lee-” Jungsoo starts.

Hyukjae gives Jungsoo a disapproving look and he trudges up the stairs.

 

He hears Jungsoo talking to her for a few more minutes, then his feet going up the stairs.

 

“What the hell was that?” Jungsoo says in a low voice. He doesn’t yell, but when he’s pissed, his tone lowers.

Hyukjae glares at Jungsoo. “What about you? I thought you’re on my side.”

“She’s your mother. I’m only an employee at the end of the day.”

 

Hyukjae grits his teeth. “Glad to know you’re only here for my feelings when you’re being paid.”

“You’re being awfully rude right now.”

“Don’t care.”

 

“Hyukjae.”

“Don’t Hyukjae me.”

“Stop being such a kid.”

“I am a kid. Don’t expect me to act like an adult.”

“She wants you to come home soon,” Jungsoo interrupts.

 

Hyukjae stops, and he gapes at his handler. “What?”

“Yeah. Before summer ends, she wants you to come home. Your parents also agreed on sending you abroad.”

 

Hyukjae covers his face with his hands. “Abroad?”

Jungsoo nods sadly.

 

“What do I tell him?” Hyukjae mutters. “I don’t want to leave him. We were finally just starting to get around.”

“You two should talk it out,” Jungsoo suggests. “Also, maybe consider telling your parents and try to make them understand.”

“Understand? Hyung, the only things they understand is keeping up appearances and me taking over their company with a clean image. They don’t care about me,” Hyukjae concludes, sadness blanketing his heart.

 

Jungsoo steps forward and he pulls Hyukjae into a hug. This kid has been through too much.

 

“I don’t want to go,” Hyukjae starts to sob. “I don’t want to leave him.” He buries his face into Jungsoo’s shoulder. “I don’t want to leave him. Please don't make me.”

 

~

 

Hyukjae arrives at the location Donghae told him to go, holding a wooden box. Donghae looks at him questioningly, but Hyukjae does not elaborate. Instead, he holds it in his arms, guarding it with his life. He smiles at Donghae, expectant.

 

Donghae points to a direction, and he lets Hyukjae take the lead. They walk in perfect silence, but there was no need to say anything. Being able to walk by each other’s side like this, without a bother in the world was enough for them. Donghae, more than making love, craves for moments like this-moments where they can just be. Maybe it’s childish for him to hope that they can last, but Donghae truly believes in love, even if he couldn’t believe in anything else. Love should be enough for them to endure. It is a gift, and it does not choose which ones deserve it. Good or bad, it simply exists.

 

They look around them, trying to find a place where the two of them will only know about.

 

Hyukjae takes Donghae by surprise when he suddenly grabs the older’s hand.

 

“What?” Hyukjae deadpans. “Never held a hand before?”

Donghae chuckles. “Nothing.”

 

Hyukjae sighs, and he looks around. “We’ll never find this place. Let’s just select a random spot.”

 

Donghae pouts. “But I want it to be a special place.”

Hyukjae gives him a look of disbelief. “It can be special. As long as we make our mark on it.”

Donghae sighs, exasperatedly. “All right, whatever you want.”

 

Hyukjae scans the surroundings, and he happens to find a lonely tree with low branches. There was a bench near it, just under its shade. It is still a little cold, but the tree is starting to show signs of spring, with tiny white buds on its stems.

 

Hyukjae tugs Donghae’s hand and they head over to the tree.

 

They sit by the bench, their shoulders touching. Hyukjae glances at Donghae’s side profile, once again realizing that he didn’t really need a lot of physical contact with him. He used to think that being in a relationship means being all touchy-feely with each other, but with Donghae, just being able to see him is enough.

 

“Crazy,” Hyukjae murmurs under his breath.

 

“What?”

“Nothing.”

 

Donghae gestures at the box. “What’s that about?”

Hyukjae plays with the sides of the box, his eyebrows a little scrunched. “Mementos?” He supplies. He gives Donghae a cheeky grin.

 

He opens the box, and there was the polaroid picture of the two of them, and two blue ribbons. He takes one of the ribbons out, and hands one to Donghae. “When we decide to meet up here, but one of us didn’t show, put it somewhere we can see then we’ll both know that we were here.”

 

Donghae takes the ribbon into his hands, and he nods. “And what about that box?”

“Psh, nothing. Just brought it to show you that I have our picture together.”

 

Donghae chuckles and he circles an arm around Hyukjae’s shoulders. “We can hang it on the tree so it wouldn’t look weird.”

“But what if we don’t see it?”

Donghae glances behind him. “The branches aren’t even that high. I can literally just grab it and haul myself up.”

 

Hyukjae leans his head on Donghae’s shoulder, his thoughts troubled. “We haven’t talked how we’re going to make this work. Do you want us to do this?”

“Of course, I do.”

“Long distances are hard.”

“I know.”

“We have a two year age gap between us.”

“So?”

“You’ll be an adult. I’d still be a minor.” Hyukjae sighs, and he summons the courage. “My parents are planning to send me abroad.”

 

Donghae swallows uneasily. This feels impossible, even though he’s determined to do whatever it takes to keep Hyukjae by his side.

 

“We can video call, text, and we can meet up whenever you’re back home,” Donghae babbles, though he’s not really sure how it’s going to look like for them.

“True.”

“I’ll earn enough money, and I’ll buy tickets to fly to you.”

“Sounds like a plan.”

“Does it sound hard?”

“It sounds doable.”

 

~

 

Hyukjae straightens out his tie, his nervousness showing up by the bobbing of his throat. He messes with his hair again, and he bites his already red lips, adding to the teeth marks there. He keeps adjusting his collar, and loosening his tie, but nothing helps. He feels so pressured.

 

He takes a deep breath to ready himself to walk out his room, and he almost catapults into the air when he hears the doorbell ring. This is not like him.

 

He treads on the stairs, taking it one step at a time. Jungsoo is also heading towards the door to open it, a bright smile on his face.

 

Jungsoo sends him an excited look. “You ready?”

Hyukjae gives him a panicked look. “N-no,” he stutters.

 

Jungsoo exhales and he opens the door wide open, but their expressions was immediately wiped from their faces.

 

Hyukjae’s eyes widened. “Mom?” He feels out of breath. “Dad?”

 

A car pulls up the front, and Donghae steps out, holding a small bouquet of roses. He freezes, unsure of how to proceed. 

 

Hyukjae blinks, his heart dropping to his stomach. In that moment, the world comes crashing down on him. All those hidden times in the church, those moments in the school library and every intimate touches, it all seem to come to a halt. 

 

His father steps forward, and Hyukjae takes a step back. He's out of breath, and his eyes widen as if he's a cornered animal. He was finally happy with the person he is so sure to love. He felt alive, he was able to dream and hope, but everything seems to go downhill. 

 

“Hyukjae, we need to talk,” he says.

 

Hyukjae shakes his head, and he finds it in himself to run forward, to reach for Donghae.


	9. To Heaven, Amen

Hyukjae flies over the porch, slipping through his parents. Donghae glances at the two figures behind him, but he comes forward to receive Hyukjae into his arms. He tightens his hold, sensing the urgency and Hyukjae’s unsettling fear. His hand comes up to the back of his head, watching the man and the woman warily.

 

“They’re going to take me away,” Hyukjae cries into his shoulder. “Donghae, don’t let them take me away!”

 

Donghae kisses his temple, and he steels himself for a fight. He pulls Hyukjae behind him, a frown appearing on his face.

 

“Who are you?” He asks, trying to keep the anger and panic from his voice .

The man frowns. “You should have more respect for your elders, young man. Now, if you’ll excuse me.” He gestures towards Hyukjae. “Lee Hyukjae, come here. Right now.”

 

“Hyukjae, sweetie. Please don’t make this hard for us,” the woman says. She folds her arms, and she throws Jungsoo a foreboding look.

 

Jungsoo steps forward, and he walks until he is closer to Donghae. “I’m sorry,” he said. He wretches Hyukjae away from his grip, and the younger lets out a strangled scream.

 

“Donghae!” He cries.

Donghae immediately reaches for his arm, his heart shattering into pieces in hearing Hyukjae, but Jungsoo was already taking him away, his scrawny frame flailing like a naughty kid. Donghae only manages to grab his fingers, which slipped from his grasp like water. “Hyukjae!”

 

Hyukjae fights, struggling against Jungsoo’s hold. Their eyes hold for a moment, and desperation mirrored against each other.

 

Donghae watches, torn.

 

“The tree!” Hyukjae yells, tears streaming down his face. “That tree, Donghae!”

 

Donghae stares, confused, but he gets reminded of the blue ribbons, and Hyukjae’s box, and he understands.

 

~

 

Hyukjae seethes from desperation and anger. Why now, of all times? When he cried himself to sleep and went through a day senselessly, when he needed them by his side-where were they? Hyukjae clenches his fists. He just does not understand anymore. He wants love, he wants to be loved for who he is.

 

“Hyukjae,” his father begins. “We just want the best for you, and clearly, sending you here was a mistake.”

 

Hyukjae grits his teeth and he refuses to look at his parents. They are wrong. Sending him here was the best thing that happened to him.

 

“We found a good boarding school in America, and we think that you would benefit from that,” his father continues. “You’re still a teenager, so we understand your feeling to rebel against us or have fun and experiment, but you also have big responsibilities in which you have to be prepared and matured enough for.”

 

“Hyuk, sweetheart. Please understand us. We care for you, and we don’t want you to make any more mistakes.”

 

Hyukjae stands up, his gaze to the ground. “Well...if being here, no, if being me is a mistake-then I love it! I’ll keep making more mistakes!” He yells. Tears run down his face. His hands tremble, and he summons the courage to face his parents. “I’m going to keep on making mistakes, because that’s who I am!”

 

With that, Hyukjae runs upstairs and into his room. He slams the door close behind him, and he tries not to break down and sob as he takes out a backpack to stuff his clothes in. He finds the stack of cash that he keeps for emergencies and puts it in the bag as well, along with other necessities. He changes into comfortable clothes, and puts on some sneakers.

 

He takes a deep breath and wipes his tears away, then he props his window open. He squints in the darkness, trying to make out the footholds that Donghae used to climb up and down to get to his room. He brings himself out of his window, and throws the bag down to the ground, then he slowly made his way, his feet treading carefully.

 

When he was closer to the ground, he jumps, picks up the backpack, and he runs for his life.

 

~

 

Donghae shivers a little from the cold night air since he still has his tuxedo on, and he observes the surroundings for any signs of Hyukjae. He has been waiting around for almost two hours, his insides twisting from the worry. He didn’t want to think of the worst that could happen, but it gnaws at him. What now? Suddenly, their futures are unclear. Donghae does not know where to proceed.

 

He sits on the bench that they recently sat on, his hands on his head. He loves Hyukjae, that much he is sure of.

 

“Donghae!” He hears someone yell into the night.

 

Donghae immediately stands up, and he sees Hyukjae running towards him in casual clothes and his backpack bouncing on his back.

 

“Hyuk!” Donghae calls, and he runs to gather Hyukjae into his arms. A hand comes to his head securely, and he closes his eyes in relief. “Hey, hey.”

 

Hyukjae trembles against him, and Donghae rubs his hands on his body and then hugs him again.

 

“Donghae,” he sobs into his shoulder. “Let’s run away. Let’s go, right now.”

 

Donghae frowns. “Hyukjae, wait, what’s happening?”

“We don’t have time!” Hyukjae hysterically sobs. “They’re going to take me away. Do you want that?”

Donghae tightens his arms around Hyukjae. “No, of course not, but running away? That seems extreme.”

“Donghae, please. I don’t want to go back to them. Please, take me away.”

 

Donghae meets his black, tearful eyes, and then wipes his eyes tenderly. “Okay, okay. Come with me.”

 

Hyukjae nods willingly, and he lets Donghae take his hand. They head to his car, and Donghae straps Hyukjae into his seat. He starts his car, then glances at Hyukjae, whose hands are trembling again. Donghae pulls his hood over his head, and then wraps his own hand around Hyukjae’s.

 

“I’m here,” Donghae reassures. “Let me just...give me a second.”

 

Donghae pockets his phone, and after opening it, he presses call on Siwon’s phone number.

 

“Hey Siwon,” Donghae greets. He starts to drive slowly. “I’m heading your way, are you at home?”

“Yeah, is everything okay?”

“No, I need your help.”

“Is it serious?”

“Very…”

“Donghae, you’re scaring me.”

Donghae glances at Hyukjae quickly, then turns his gaze back to the road. “Hyuk’s parents are in town, but he’s really scared right now. I’m going to take him away for a bit, can you lend me some clothes?”

 

Siwon is silent for a moment. “You’re not doing something illegal, right?”

“No, of course not,” Donghae replies calmly, but in truth, his heart is racing rapidly.

“Okay, I’ll prepare it.”

“Thanks, man.”

“And Donghae?”

“Hm?”

 

Donghae glances at Hyukjae again.

 

“Don’t do something stupid.”

 

~

 

Donghae runs out of the car and meets Siwon outside his front porch. The taller man looks behind him, seeing Hyukjae’s small silhouette in Donghae’s car. He hands Donghae a duffel bag, and then a wad of cash in his palm.

 

“Siwon, I can’t take this.”

 

Siwon purses his lips, his eyes troubled. “I don’t know what you two are up to, but it's just in case you run into trouble.”

 

Donghae starts to protests, but Siwon pushes him towards the car’s direction.

 

“Thank you, Siwon. I’ll make sure to repay you for this.”

Siwon chuckles lightly. “Just be careful.”

 

Donghae nods. He runs to the car, and he tosses the bag to the back. He sends Hyukjae a reassuring smile, which the latter returned with a panicked stare.

 

“Where to?” He asks. He feels calm now, which is surprising, considering what they are about to do.

“I don’t know,” Hyukjae murmurs. “I really don’t know.”

 

Donghae leans over to kiss him on the cheek. “Close your eyes. I guess I’ll just have to surprise you.”

 

~

 

Hyukjae finds it very hard to sleep with his thoughts raging in his head. He is starting to feel the weight of the consequences of his reckless decision, and what’s worse is that he had to involve Donghae in his mess. It is starting to dawn on him that maybe running away-literally-is not the best solution for the two of them. He feels guilty because for a moment, he forgot to believe in their love that he had to take the reins and cause so much trouble.

 

Damn, Hyukjae thinks. I’m so fucking stupid.

 

He opens an eye, and he finds Donghae staring straight ahead, the breaking dawn illuminating his features.

 

But goddamn it, I don’t want to be apart from him.

 

Donghae smiles. “Hey, sleeping beauty. Look to your side.”

 

Hyukjae sits up properly, and his eyes widen when he finds the white coast, and its alluring blue ocean. The sun peeks from the flat horizon, but the sky is yet to be fully brightened. The sun sends out soft golden rays that makes the clouds look like they are suspended just above the waters, and it makes Hyukjae open his mouth at the marvelous sight. He rolls down the window and let the cold and startling sea breeze caress his face, and he closes his eyes.

 

The sun slowly rise, and the sky parts as well to make way for the light of the world.

 

“Tada!” Donghae exclaims excitedly.

Hyukjae smiles, his worries fading for now. “Thank you.”

 

The beach is still empty, and when Donghae had parked his car to a spot, the two of them walked down the sand dunes, their hands linked together. Hyukjae sticks close to Donghae, who took off his suit jacket and placed it around his shoulders to keep him warm. Donghae surrounds an arm around his shoulders, and stops them from walking further. He kisses Hyukjae’s ear, then takes out his phone. Music starts to play, and Donghae takes one of Hyukjae’s hand and places it on top of his shoulder.

 

“May I have this dance?” He asks, his sincere brown eyes meeting Hyukjae’s puffy and red ones. He pulls Hyukjae closer by the waist. "We didn't really make it to prom."

“Of course,” Hyukjae murmurs.

 

The piano in the song plays soothingly, and Hyukjae rests his head on Donghae’s strong shoulder. They sway, not minding that they were off beat. They had their own world and they know that they own this moment. The rest can wait. No one can take this from them.

 

As the song trails off to its end, the sun is fully shining in the sky, its warmth spreading all over the world. 

 

Hyukjae pulls away, and he steps back to make space between them. He feels suffocated under Donghae’s loving gaze, under those eyes that gave him so much room to grow and attention. He bites his lip, and he pulls his remaining strength to the surface.

 

“Let’s go back,” he says.

 

Donghae stares at him, perplexed. The sea breeze whips his hair, and for a moment, he did not hear anything. The sea snatches the sound away, only to bring it back like a heavy wave, drowning Donghae. His heart starts to grow heavy.

 

“Wait, no,” Donghae blurts out, his own eyes stinging.

Hyukjae shakes his head, and he grabs Donghae’s hands. “Donghae, listen to me.”

 

Donghae takes his hands away, refusing to hear Hyukjae, but the younger is persistent and he grabs Donghae’s hands forcefully.

 

“Listen to me,” Hyukjae pleads.

“Hyukjae, please don’t.”

“Hae, we have to go back. Or you have to go back,” Hyukjae continues, fighting the tightness in his chest. “You could get in serious trouble.”

 

“I don’t care,” Donghae snaps, tears flowing from his eyes. “I don’t care!”

“Well, for fuck’s sake, I do!” Hyukjae raises his voice a little. “You have a good future. You’re about to graduate and go to college, that means a lot!”

 

Donghae presses his trembling lips together, knowing that Hyukjae is right. He just could not accept it. “It doesn’t mean anything without you.”

Hyukjae exhales, helpless. “Donghae,” he pleads.

 

“Damn it!” Donghae shouts. He breaks away from Hyukjae’s grip and turns around to calm himself.

 

Hyukjae allows him a few seconds to gather himself, and then he slips his arms around Donghae’s waist, and he rests his head on the space between his shoulders.

 

“I’m sorry,” he whispers.

Donghae couldn’t help feel like he’s been tricked in a game; he had bet everything only to lose it all. He knew that their time is short, but they are going to work it out. They will. They have to.

 

“I’m not saying goodbye,” Donghae declared stubbornly.

“Good,” Hyukjae states, holding Donghae tightly. “I won’t either.”

“We’re not over, until I say we are,” Donghae continues, his voice dwindling to a whisper.

 

That’s it, Donghae. Be selfish. Never let me go. Consume me, take me into you until you can only take a breath when you look at my face, Hyukjae thinks. Love me more than your God. I know I’m not being fair, but I’m tired of thinking about the right thing. Let this be the last right thing I have to do. 

 

Hyukjae slowly pulls himself off from Donghae, but he immediately grabs onto Hyukjae and wraps his arms back around his waist.

 

“Not yet,” Donghae asserts.

 

Hyukjae plants a long kiss on the prominent bone on the back of his neck, its warmth and longingness making Donghae shiver. He feels the weight of Hyukjae’s head on his back, and he wonders what thoughts are racing in his mind. He knows that it’s not easy for him, but he realizes that Hyukjae had always thought ahead, even more than him. Though he is still young and he lets emotions override his senses, he was mature enough to face the risks and expectations of him first so that their love can push through.

 

Yes, Hyukjae does not allow himself to dream, but that’s because he wants realness. He wants to live where he can feel everything so wildly, and so deeply. With Donghae’s caring heart, his righteousness and uncorrupted thoughts, Hyukjae found everything he had wanted. And most of all, Donghae. He wants him, and he will continue to want him recklessly and without restraint.

 

Donghae turns around slowly, and without any words, they start to walk towards the car. The bright sun reflecting on the white sand makes them squint, and they survey their rough path.

 

Hyukjae leads the way, and Donghae looks ahead, loving every inch of that boy in front of him. His heart breaks piece by piece, but he will only let Hyukjae put them back together when the time comes. He hands Hyukjae his things, and gives him a chaste kiss on the forehead. He takes another look at Hyukjae’s face, his thumb on his plump lips, then gives it a peck. Hyukjae reassures him with a look that he will be fine.

 

Donghae turns away without any more words, and he drives off.

 

Hyukjae watches as he drives away, only letting himself break down when he is out of sight.


	10. Dream and Endless

Donghae, when you suggested thinking of a dream together to look forward to, I thought of you. Instead, I told you how much I wanted to see the world, to travel and know that I’m not alone. That it’s just this rotten place that we’re being ostracized.

 

~

 

Donghae brings the hammers the nails down until they are flattened against the wood’s surface. The sun above makes him squint, but he doesn’t take a break until he is satisfied with handiwork. He takes the towel from his shoulder and he wipes his sweat. He takes his water bottle and finishes it, then observes the baby crib he is making. Everything else is completed, but it is still lacking. It’s cafe brown surface remains unfurnished, and Donghae thinks about what he could possibly put as the design.

 

“Hey Donghae,” he hears Siwon greet him from behind.

Donghae turns and he sees his best friend wearing his dimpled smile. “Hey.”

 

Siwon sets down the blue cooler he is holding and he steps closer to take a look at the baby crib. “Looks good.”

Donghae frowns a little. “It’s getting there. I wish my customer had been more specific on what she wanted.”

Siwon laughs. “Well think about it, she’s giving you a chance for your creativity to go nuts.”

Donghae enlists Siwon’s help to move the crib inside his employer’s workshop, where they navigated through various building tools and materials. After placing the crib inside, Siwon helps Donghae clean up and then he takes out two bottles of beer from the cooler.

 

Every summer, Donghae works for an old carpenter in his hometown. His employer offers him a place to stay in, since he had a fallout with his parents. University was a big eye opener for him. It exposed him to all kinds of people, the wayward, the drunks and those who uses drugs, the promiscuous ones. There is an abundance of them there. He would be lying if he said he wasn’t very curious about living a life without thinking of any consequences. He could live for one enjoyable second and die the next, but when he is finally about to try something dangerous, his heart remembers Hyukjae painfully and he backs out.

 

He remembers their plans and how they failed to follow them. He has not talked to Hyukjae in almost four years, but nothing in his heart had changed. Maybe it was his stubbornness, but if he couldn’t keep his commitment to the God he supposedly loved, he can hold on to his love for Hyukjae. Although a part of him knows that it just doesn’t make sense, because their relationship had been a flurry of understanding and lust, Donghae is still a hopeless fool. He wants to know if there is still a chance for them.

 

“He would be turning twenty tomorrow,” Donghae says without thinking.

Siwon glances at him. He doesn’t really know what to say when Donghae brings up Hyukjae out of nowhere.

 

“God, I wonder how he looks now,” Donghae wonders. “He must still be so cute.”

 

Siwon laughs.

 

“I have so many things to say to him. I wish I know where he is. I saved up enough money to go wherever,” Donghae continues.

“Why don’t you look for him? There’s the internet, it has everything,” Siwon suggests.

 

Donghae frowns, staring into nothing. “That’s true.” He had attempted sending Hyukjae messages in his social media accounts, but gave up when Hyukjae had not answered or even read any of it.

“Why haven’t you done that?”

“Because I’m scared,” Donghae says honestly.

 

Siwon sighs and places a hand on Donghae’s shoulder. “Why? You love him, he loves you. Distance shouldn’t be reason enough to be apart.” Siwon takes a sip from his beer. “Besides, does torturing yourself make you feel good? You love holding onto your feelings, and letting it eat you inside, but you won’t do anything about it.”

 

Donghae bites his lip. “If he was here, he’d tell me that I’m being a dumbass.”

“I second that statement.” Siwon holds out his beer, and clinks it against Donghae. “Hey, don’t forget. We’re helping the kids out in bible vacation school tomorrow.”

 

Donghae nods absentmindedly. Hyukjae would tell him he’s a dumbass for not even considering to move on. He would rant about Donghae being too modest, and not being a person who takes opportunities for himself instead of waiting.

 

~

 

Donghae, for the first time ever in my life, I prayed to your God. I prayed for you, for your safety and health. I asked God to lookout for you and to guide you, because He is the only one who can love you more than I could ever. It was never my intention to make you stray from Him, though at times, I was testing you, I admit. I even wished that you forget all your beliefs. However, even now, I pray that you find your way back to Him. I know you are a righteous, faithful man. You are steady and so certain. And I hope to never find you changed because it will devastate me.

 

~

 

Donghae goes back to university, and he got a taste of what it’s like to let loose. He partied with the infamous Kim Heechul, who swings both ways and got drunk like there are no more tomorrows. With him, he learns how to drink properly, and how to flirt with people, and sometimes how to play cards and bet money. He indulges himself in all of the ways a human can get corrupted, but it spirals him further into the loss that he feels. Why does he keep doing this to himself? How could Hyukjae have this hold on him?

 

In one of those parties, he met a random stranger with a beautiful, husky voice. It was a passing fling, and their moment only lasted a night. Donghae couldn’t do it after all, not when his promise to Hyukjae hangs heavily on his head. In his inebriated state, he only got far as kissing, and the knowledge that Hyukjae’s picture is in his wallet tears him away like he’s been burned. Something inside him is hollow, and whatever distraction that he can master will never suffice. He says goodbye to him quickly, and the next day, he departs for his hometown.

 

Fortunately for him, it is the weekend.

 

He goes straight to the church, where the familiar, large cross hangs from the wall of the altar. Daylight shines inside the church, making the interior glow softly. There were a few people on the pews, some of them were kneeling in prayer, and some were lighting candles.

 

Donghae treads on the red carpet with a heavy heart, and all the anger and frustrations seem to fade from his heart. Somehow, he knew that he’s in the right place.

 

For the first time in a long time, he prays. He is unsure, yet if there is one thing he knows for certain that he can always come home and he is always welcomed into his God’s arms. He can only give his best to the people he loves, and although a part of him is still full of resentment, maybe along the way, he can work this out with God. He asks for forgiveness for being so far away, but Hyukjae is someone he can never feel regret for.

 

If loving him is wrong, then he’ll gladly be wrong for the rest of his life.

 

He doesn’t know what is in store for him, for being a person who loves differently than the people around him.

 

~

 

He takes his time walking through his hometown, its streets still familiar with him like the back of his hand. He makes a few turns, and he realizes that his feet had taken him back to the place where he and Hyukjae decided to run away for a day. He walks through the path, and he spots the tree that indicated their spot. As he comes closer, he sees a blue ribbon tied around one of its low branches.

 

Donghae starts, and he immediately runs the distance to get a closer look.

 

It really is the ribbon. That means Hyukjae had been here. He had probably waited, and Donghae...was not there for him.

 

Donghae spins around, his eyes scanning his surroundings desperately. His heart thunders in his chest.

 

~

 

Writing to you helps me get through these difficult days. It’s been three years, Donghae. Three years in which I wished myself to be surrounded by your arms and have your words whisper in my ear. Don’t worry though, I'm not entirely lonely-I have met some good friends. I think you would like them if you meet them. Their names are Kim Ryeowook and Shin Donghee. They are so kind and funny, but sometimes, their jokes can really hurt hahha. I know you’re sensitive at times, so maybe meeting them might take a while. I also met a very kind and accepting pastor. He taught me how to pray properly, but Donghae, I’m only doing it for you. Sometimes I pretend that you can hear me. I don't know if your God hears all prayers and listens to them intently, but I hope that He got the message. 

 

Now that some time has passed and things have calmed down now, I would like to know if I still have a place in your heart. I know that you’ve said that we are not over yet, but a lot of things can come into play, especially when we have spent some time apart. I was a child back then, and I think we were too caught up in each other, so I would like us to meet face to face and reassure myself that these feelings weren’t just because we were necessary for each other. Or you know, because we were horny teenagers.

 

I will confess that I wished you to obsess over me; I know I’m cruel in that way, wanting you to be destroyed so you can only remember me. I know it seems childish and petty, but I still feel so much for you. You showed me how to love properly, and you gave in to my every whim. 

 

Donghae, I never got to say anything meaningful to you, but when we meet, and we will, I will say it. Even if you don't feel that way anymore. 

 

~

 

Donghae sees a discolored surface under the dirt by his shoes. He bends down and he brushes it away, and he finds Hyukjae’s box. He quickly unearths it, and he opens it eagerly. A bunch of stacked papers come at him, and he picks up the first one. He reads it quickly, and then rereads it, feeling Hyukjae’s presence in each word.

 

He takes another letter, and he reads it. He sits down on the ground, going through each letter. There are a lot of them, and Donghae feels hope blooming in his chest.

 

Donghae, I started to come by here almost every year. I go to a university in America, but I come home secretly, hoping to run into you.

 

Donghae sobs. All this time, they have been going around each other. He feels excited, but also angry. 

 

I know we had a plan and everything, but my parents kept track of my every movement. I couldn’t take steps to contact you. However, though they have yet to accept me fully, as long as I don’t disclose anything about my private life, I’m good. I am hoping to find a good excuse again to come by. I always say I’m attending a charity event or something related to church events. I know, it’s probably blasphemous, but aren’t you glad I haven’t changed one bit? 

 

Donghae chuckles, and he wipes the tears from his face.

 

“Are you actually crying?” A familiar voice says behind him; this voice is a bit deeper, but it hasn’t lost its softness.

 

Donghae whirls around, the letters crumpled under his fingers. He stares at the figure in front of him, not quite believing his eyes. He still has the same features, but they are sharper and more masculine, but he still remains the fragile beauty that had drawn Donghae to him in the first place. He is still quite lean, but he had filled in the right places. His hair is dyed in a lavender blond shade, bringing out his pale skin. He looked heavenly. 

 

“Hyukjae,” Donghae utters in anguish. He takes the box under his arm after securing the letters.

 

Hyukjae smiles, his teenage angst lost from his face. “I didn’t expect you to be here.” He produces a few letters from his jacket, and then gestures at the box. “I update the box every year.” He laughs sadly.

 

Donghae frowns. There is hesitation in his movements, which is not Hyukjae’s forte.

 

“I hate you for each time I have said I love you to you,” Donghae states, his voice a little hoarse.

Hyukjae grins. “I’m glad, because you’ve only said it a few times.”

 

Donghae takes a step towards Hyukjae. “You made me suffer.” He takes another step. “You filled my head with your stupid voice and laugh. I couldn’t forget you.”

 

Hyukjae stares at Donghae, a little breathless. He is actually delighted to hear this from him.

 

“I hope you’re prepared,” Donghae continues, his voice finding its strength. “Because I promised you that I will not let you go. I intend to keep that promise.”

 

Hyukjae doesn’t waste any more time. Those months they spent together were an eternity compared to their separation. He crashes into Donghae’s arms, and he marvels at his solid body-his built chest and muscled arms. He had matured handsomely.

 

“I missed you,” Hyukjae murmurs into Donghae’s neck. He had outgrown the elder, but he still comes home into his arms like a key fitting into its designated lock. “Donghae, I missed you so much.”

Donghae drops the box, and he immediately gathers Hyukjae into his arms to hold him. He closes his eyes, savoring this feeling.

 

They couldn’t say anything else. Donghae is satisfied to hold him like this.

 

“Donghae?”

“Hm?”

“I’m glad you got here.” Hyukjae pulls away a bit, and he faces Donghae.

 

“Me too,” Donghae’s eyes go to Hyukjae’s thick lips. His hands go up to Hyukjae’s neck, his thumbs going up to his jaw.

“I missed you so much,” Hyukjae whispers.

 

Donghae smiles at him gently, and he leans in to align their lips. “We’ll make up for lost time.” Unable to keep it in anymore, Donghae pours his soul in the kiss, feeling alive once again. He clutches Hyukjae as if he’s the only thing keeping death away.

 

This is not a dream. This is his reality.

 

There are those who love truly without rein and conditions, and there are those who love for the wrong reasons.

 

Donghae, at one point in his life, became a person that he loathed to see in the church, but somehow, this diverted man in his arms had led him back to who he is. Hyukjae believed in the person that he fell in love with, the one with the faithful and righteous heart. He found that he can be the same man, that he can accept this part of himself.

 

There’s no more Donghae, no Hyukjae. There’s Donghae and Hyukjae. The two lovers who were brought together through people’s hatred and twisted beliefs.

 

Donghae pulls away briefly, his breath taken away by Hyukjae.

 

Hyukjae holds his hands, which are still placed around his neck.

 

One gaze, and they both knew that in the universe’s twisted understanding of fate, this moment is meant to be, and it is theirs to keep.


End file.
